He didn't wake up, on this morning, 26 years ago.
26 years ago! That's more than half of my lifetime now, but on a beautiful morning like this, when I can almost hear his voice saying everyday things as I visualise him here in my house, it could have been yesterday. I have always imagined what it would have been like to have him come here to visit. In my heart this has always been his house. Though if he had not left us, I would never have been able to build it, so, somehow, it is as if he is this house. It is built on his blood, sweat and tears, on his dreams and aspirations, and on his hope and love for us children. I know my father loved me dearly because he told me so. Not everyday or in casual conversation but one night when he'd had too much to drink, and on those nights when I was twelve years old and terrified of the dark, when he came and slept in my room on the dreadfully uncomfortable trundle bed. I will never forget that he did that for me, it meant the world.
So, Dad, I just want you to know that I still miss you dreadfully, I still wish you could come fishing with us, play euchre (WD has just learned and loves it), sit on the deck having a cool ale in the afternoon, all of the things that we used to do, but here, in this beautiful house that 'you built'.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
I'm home and it's magic.
I can't believe how beautiful it is here. It isn't that I didn't realise before but now, being back here after never expecting to be, this place has a whole new beauty for me.
In many ways I am feeling the enormous weight of failure. Just under four years ago, we followed our dreams and convinced the bank to lend us enough money to buy our acreage retreat. It was lovely out there and I had a fantastic time with my ducklings, my chooks, my veggie garden, my huge playground of trees and waterfall, native birds and planting loads of trees. Financially though things were not so great. Maybe we were dreaming the whole time, that we could somehow increase our loan and still cope with the repayments? Perhaps if it hadn't rained so much, and that and the GFC hadn't affected tourism so much, or perhaps if I was smarter, or better, cleverer, or worked harder?
Three months ago we made the decision that we would rent out our little country cottage, move back here, tidy the house up and repair it where necessary and then put it up for sale. It was a wise plan. I say 'was' because now that I am here I simply never want to leave, ever!
From where I am sitting right now at our dining room table, the ocean is glimmering almost lilac as it stretches out before me I feel almost as if I could skim right over it all the way to Chile. The trees around the house have grown a lot and the view is different than it used to be, but I feel blessed being hugged by this greenery. It's beauty simply takes my breath away. The neighbours are closer, but not so close that I feel too discomforted. Aside from the creep down the hill, the people next door make me feel part of a community, my community.
I hadn't thought I would be lucky enough to live here again but I thought I was okay about that. I was sure I was okay about that, but now it seems that perhaps I never owned this house, the truth is that it owns me. The lines of this house are so deeply ingrained into my soul that I feel almost as if they are a part of me. It was about twenty-four years ago now, that I first drew this house on the piece of graph paper. I didn't know then the power of that small pencil, that it could somehow bring this beautiful spot into existence. A magic pencil perhaps?
In many ways I am feeling the enormous weight of failure. Just under four years ago, we followed our dreams and convinced the bank to lend us enough money to buy our acreage retreat. It was lovely out there and I had a fantastic time with my ducklings, my chooks, my veggie garden, my huge playground of trees and waterfall, native birds and planting loads of trees. Financially though things were not so great. Maybe we were dreaming the whole time, that we could somehow increase our loan and still cope with the repayments? Perhaps if it hadn't rained so much, and that and the GFC hadn't affected tourism so much, or perhaps if I was smarter, or better, cleverer, or worked harder?
Three months ago we made the decision that we would rent out our little country cottage, move back here, tidy the house up and repair it where necessary and then put it up for sale. It was a wise plan. I say 'was' because now that I am here I simply never want to leave, ever!
From where I am sitting right now at our dining room table, the ocean is glimmering almost lilac as it stretches out before me I feel almost as if I could skim right over it all the way to Chile. The trees around the house have grown a lot and the view is different than it used to be, but I feel blessed being hugged by this greenery. It's beauty simply takes my breath away. The neighbours are closer, but not so close that I feel too discomforted. Aside from the creep down the hill, the people next door make me feel part of a community, my community.
I hadn't thought I would be lucky enough to live here again but I thought I was okay about that. I was sure I was okay about that, but now it seems that perhaps I never owned this house, the truth is that it owns me. The lines of this house are so deeply ingrained into my soul that I feel almost as if they are a part of me. It was about twenty-four years ago now, that I first drew this house on the piece of graph paper. I didn't know then the power of that small pencil, that it could somehow bring this beautiful spot into existence. A magic pencil perhaps?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Missing the telephone.
Afterwards, I felt the raw emotion come out of my chest like a howl. This time I couldn't gloss it over and just pretend that this is how she always was. That this was her being her eccentric self, or her trying to play up her age for attention.
I have done that before...
This time all that came back at me and slapped me quite fairly in the heart.
I feel almost as if I should report her missing. My mother wasn't at the other end of the telephone this morning. Someone else with her voice was there. Someone who didn't know who I was and who repeated sentences to me again and again.
Oh we have had all the warnings. I have been told that it is inevitable now that dementia will steal her away, yet I can't accept it and I can't stop that choking lump in the back of my throat, that terrifying fear that this time my mother won't be okay again tomorrow and this time, she will forget me forever.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Every time while and after I am reading a good book I think that I am going to write one too. I take on the authors way with words in my head and I concoct long detailed paragraphs which I then promptly forget and never write down. Sometimes (often) I wish that I had a computer built into my brain so that I could record all these stupid little stories and they wouldn't just fly away the way they do. Sometimes I wish a lot of things.
I was about six when I wrote my first 'book'. I made up a story about a cat and drew pictures to go with it. I stapled it all together and showed my sister and told her that I was going to send it to a publisher. She laughed at me and told me it was stupid and so was I so I took the book into the kitchen and opened the firebox and stuffed it in on top of the glowing coals. I sat on the red and white checked linoleum floor and watched all my dreams burn away and disappear up the chimney. I hated my sister.
At school I decided that I must be retarded and that it was a secret that everybody knew except for me. I thought maybe I was a 'spastic' like a boy who was a son of one of my mother's friends. I felt sorry for him because I knew that the other kids laughed at him. When he came to my house I tried to play with him but he had trouble controlling his arms and legs and I was frightened he was going to hurt himself and it would be my fault. I was pretty clumsy too and I could never do all the things that the other kids could do. It never occured to me that this was because I was four years younger than my sister, it just confirmed to me that there was something seriously wrong with me. I snuck back into the schoolroom at lunch time one day and looked all through the teacher's desk because I was sure there would be papers in there about how to teach a retarded child like me. I never found anything but I wasn't convinced. I decided that if I could make myself smart I wouldn't be retarded anymore, so I started trying to speed read because I had heard about it somewhere. I could read an entire page in 1 minute. I proudly told the teacher so he sent me outside onto the verandah with a page of text and timed me. I read it no problem but then he quizzed me as to what it had been about. I had been so excited about my amazing reading talent that I had forgotten to remember anything that I had read. The teacher called me a liar and smacked me infront of the entire school. There were only seven kids in the school but that just made it even more embarrassing.
Every day at school I got a smack. I think the teacher just started smacking me before school began because he knew I would be naughty later anyway. It was usually because I hadn't done my homework or had got my spelling wrong. Even though I was always getting hit I was still completely terrified of it but it seemed the more I tried to avoid it the more nervous I would get and the more mistakes I would make and therefore get more smacks. I wanted the teacher to like me so much I was still always nice to him and got really excited when my family would have him over for tea. My grandmother always cooked crumbed brains when he came to eat. I am sure they made him gag but my siblings and I would always insist we had them as we were sure that eating them would make us smart and impress the teacher.
There was a school reunion a few years ago and apparently that teacher was there. I didn't go and although I wish I had seen my classmates, I am not at all sad that I didn't see him. He was my teacher for four years. I started school when I was only four years old. Then I thought it was because I was so advanced for my age. I could spell 'blue' and I was sure this was something that the teacher wanted to hear repeatedly all day, every day. In truth they let me start school early because there was another boy due to start grade one that year and it would be easier for the teacher to teach us both at once. I also think my Grandmother was relieved to be getting rid of me. My mother wasn't really interested in children so my Grandmother was my full-time carer. I completely and utterly adored her. I think I almost smothered her with my desperate need for her love.
My Grandmother's birthday was last week. She would have been 106. She died when she was 97. I still miss her every single day.
In the afternoons after school Grandma would nearly always be baking. She had a 32 volt mixmaster and we had to switch the generator on so that she could use it. I was always fighting with my sister over who would get to lick the bowl. I would stay in the kitchen the whole time and 'help' Grandma, getting the things from the cupboards and drawers and licking everything as soon as she finished with it. Meanwhile my sister would do something annoying like throw a tennis ball against the wall outside or draw pictures of cats. She could always do everything so much better than I could, it drove me insane with jealousy. It didn't seem really that fair to me that although I had been the one 'helping' my sister still got to lick the bowl half the time. I realise now that my sister was more jealous of me because I got so much of Grandma's attention. One time she told me that I was stupid loving Grandma so much because soon she would die and I would be all alone. I believed her. I hated my sister.
My sister told me that the powdered milk that we mixed up for the poddy calves was poisonous. I was sure I was going to die because I had been eating a little bit of it. I started washing my hands every few minutes and spitting constantly so that I couldn't be poisoned. I stopped eating and spat almost everything out when no-one was looking. One afternoon the mailman arrived for his regular cup of tea as we were the last on his day long 300 mile mail-run and as I walked out to the front door to welcome him in, my knees gave way and I slumped to the floor. Everything was in slow motion and next thing I knew I was sitting in a chair being given a cup of milo. The mailman said I looked malnourished so a few days later my mother took me to the doctor in town sixty miles away and he said that I was anaemic. I had to take a teaspoon of horribly bitter black medicine twice a day. My sister told my Grandmother that I hadn't been eating and I got in trouble. I decided I would rather be poisoned than have to take any more of the horrible black medicine but even though I got better really quickly my grandmother still made me take two entire bottles of the stuff. I will never forget that horrible taste.
After that my sister told me that there were aliens in the sky in spaceships that looked like big silver 44 gallon drums. We had 44 gallons drums everywhere so I got really frightened and was sure they had landed and were coming to get me. My sister said that they grabbed little kids and took them away and chopped them up and did experiments on them. Of course, I believed her. I spent the next few years hiding in the cupboard if I was home alone and refusing to be left by myself, ever. I hated my sister then but now I just feel sorry for her.
I was about six when I wrote my first 'book'. I made up a story about a cat and drew pictures to go with it. I stapled it all together and showed my sister and told her that I was going to send it to a publisher. She laughed at me and told me it was stupid and so was I so I took the book into the kitchen and opened the firebox and stuffed it in on top of the glowing coals. I sat on the red and white checked linoleum floor and watched all my dreams burn away and disappear up the chimney. I hated my sister.
At school I decided that I must be retarded and that it was a secret that everybody knew except for me. I thought maybe I was a 'spastic' like a boy who was a son of one of my mother's friends. I felt sorry for him because I knew that the other kids laughed at him. When he came to my house I tried to play with him but he had trouble controlling his arms and legs and I was frightened he was going to hurt himself and it would be my fault. I was pretty clumsy too and I could never do all the things that the other kids could do. It never occured to me that this was because I was four years younger than my sister, it just confirmed to me that there was something seriously wrong with me. I snuck back into the schoolroom at lunch time one day and looked all through the teacher's desk because I was sure there would be papers in there about how to teach a retarded child like me. I never found anything but I wasn't convinced. I decided that if I could make myself smart I wouldn't be retarded anymore, so I started trying to speed read because I had heard about it somewhere. I could read an entire page in 1 minute. I proudly told the teacher so he sent me outside onto the verandah with a page of text and timed me. I read it no problem but then he quizzed me as to what it had been about. I had been so excited about my amazing reading talent that I had forgotten to remember anything that I had read. The teacher called me a liar and smacked me infront of the entire school. There were only seven kids in the school but that just made it even more embarrassing.
Every day at school I got a smack. I think the teacher just started smacking me before school began because he knew I would be naughty later anyway. It was usually because I hadn't done my homework or had got my spelling wrong. Even though I was always getting hit I was still completely terrified of it but it seemed the more I tried to avoid it the more nervous I would get and the more mistakes I would make and therefore get more smacks. I wanted the teacher to like me so much I was still always nice to him and got really excited when my family would have him over for tea. My grandmother always cooked crumbed brains when he came to eat. I am sure they made him gag but my siblings and I would always insist we had them as we were sure that eating them would make us smart and impress the teacher.
There was a school reunion a few years ago and apparently that teacher was there. I didn't go and although I wish I had seen my classmates, I am not at all sad that I didn't see him. He was my teacher for four years. I started school when I was only four years old. Then I thought it was because I was so advanced for my age. I could spell 'blue' and I was sure this was something that the teacher wanted to hear repeatedly all day, every day. In truth they let me start school early because there was another boy due to start grade one that year and it would be easier for the teacher to teach us both at once. I also think my Grandmother was relieved to be getting rid of me. My mother wasn't really interested in children so my Grandmother was my full-time carer. I completely and utterly adored her. I think I almost smothered her with my desperate need for her love.
My Grandmother's birthday was last week. She would have been 106. She died when she was 97. I still miss her every single day.
In the afternoons after school Grandma would nearly always be baking. She had a 32 volt mixmaster and we had to switch the generator on so that she could use it. I was always fighting with my sister over who would get to lick the bowl. I would stay in the kitchen the whole time and 'help' Grandma, getting the things from the cupboards and drawers and licking everything as soon as she finished with it. Meanwhile my sister would do something annoying like throw a tennis ball against the wall outside or draw pictures of cats. She could always do everything so much better than I could, it drove me insane with jealousy. It didn't seem really that fair to me that although I had been the one 'helping' my sister still got to lick the bowl half the time. I realise now that my sister was more jealous of me because I got so much of Grandma's attention. One time she told me that I was stupid loving Grandma so much because soon she would die and I would be all alone. I believed her. I hated my sister.
My sister told me that the powdered milk that we mixed up for the poddy calves was poisonous. I was sure I was going to die because I had been eating a little bit of it. I started washing my hands every few minutes and spitting constantly so that I couldn't be poisoned. I stopped eating and spat almost everything out when no-one was looking. One afternoon the mailman arrived for his regular cup of tea as we were the last on his day long 300 mile mail-run and as I walked out to the front door to welcome him in, my knees gave way and I slumped to the floor. Everything was in slow motion and next thing I knew I was sitting in a chair being given a cup of milo. The mailman said I looked malnourished so a few days later my mother took me to the doctor in town sixty miles away and he said that I was anaemic. I had to take a teaspoon of horribly bitter black medicine twice a day. My sister told my Grandmother that I hadn't been eating and I got in trouble. I decided I would rather be poisoned than have to take any more of the horrible black medicine but even though I got better really quickly my grandmother still made me take two entire bottles of the stuff. I will never forget that horrible taste.
After that my sister told me that there were aliens in the sky in spaceships that looked like big silver 44 gallon drums. We had 44 gallons drums everywhere so I got really frightened and was sure they had landed and were coming to get me. My sister said that they grabbed little kids and took them away and chopped them up and did experiments on them. Of course, I believed her. I spent the next few years hiding in the cupboard if I was home alone and refusing to be left by myself, ever. I hated my sister then but now I just feel sorry for her.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Earthquake
Sometimes spur of the moment decisions can be really stupid. I'm blaming the emotion I was feeling hearing and seeing the earthquake news. It was and still is utterly devastating, my heart is just breaking for all of the people affected. I guess when something like that happens the first thing you wonder is if you know anyone who lives there. I am 90% sure all the kiwis I know live on the north island but then for some reason I thought of you. I actually thought you lived in Auckland or Levin or somewhere? Anyway I typed your name into facebook and bang, there you were. At least I thought it was you, looks too young, but maybe you've just aged incredibly well? The school finishing year seemed right though. So in a spur of the moment decision i messaged you. Why? As I remember things you were pretty disgusted with me last time I saw you. I don't blame you, I behaved so very badly. I was a pretty screwed up girl back then, wasn't I? In my defence, I had just lost my father and I think a lot of it was in reaction to that. Anyway, regardless of all that, i just wanted to say to you that I am sorry for my bad form and I would be grateful if you didn't dislike me for it. Also I wanted to thank you for being amazing back then, I had a lot of fun going to bands with you and I am forever grateful that you made me buy that Chills album. My daughter is a huge Chills fan and she plays it often, I guess that's why you have been popping up in my memory recently. I really hope you are well and happy Mark and I guess I hope you have some good memories too. Dx
He wrote back! <3 p="">
He wrote back! <3 p="">
Monday, December 13, 2010
Hello blogland
I've been thinking a lot lately about resurrecting my blog. I never intended to abandon it as I have, I just seemed to stop having enough time and headspace to write. Such is life, I suppose?
It's a magical day here today. I am all dressed up ready to go out and carry out a bit of weed control on our land. Not a very glamourous job but it's still nice to get out amongst the trees and get some excersize at the same time. It's also necessary work as we have had so much rain this spring, more than ever recorded before apparently, which means that, although it's great for the garden and the trees we have planted, the weeds are also going beserk.
This year has been quite insane for me. WD was doing her last year of university, and due to a few accommodation problems in the city, as well as lots of money issues, she spent most of the year at home, where she set up her workshop in the shed and set about creating her final year collection. If you know her name you can seach and read her blog too :) I ended up helping her a lot as she doesn't have her driver's licence so I got roped into the fabric sourcing and repeated delivery of her and her creations to the city and back. I also worked on one of her side projects, making silver jewellery. The jewellery is now (from yesterday)stocked in a trendy little shop in the city. I hope it sells well. I am nervous about it as I hadn't done any silversmithing for over ten years. It's just like riding a bike though, I hadn't forgotten how.
The other major thing going on for me is that we are broke :( I spent far too much money helping WD get through this year, as well as sending her to the UK for her internship. Maybe that would have been okay if we hadn't had such a shocking year with the business. It's a carry over from the GFC I suppose, but we had our worst year on record and S is really unhappy as well. He's not as young as he used to be and is in a lot of pain with the physical stuff. It sucks getting older. He's also been studying, doing really well ofcourse. Once again he discouraged me from studying and I quit, instead slotting back into my 'support for everyone else' role. I feel like a failure, what's new?
Tonight is WD's offical graduation ceremony, so we are back off to the city for that. It's pretty well only an hour from here so it's not too bad. It used to take 1.5 hours when we lived at the beach. The move has been great in so many ways, but stressful as well. I still don't feel settled here but I'm getting there. We go back to the old house quite often as we have friends renting it. The house looks nicer now than it ever did when we lived there, but the garden is dreadful. We need to go and spend a few weekends tidying it up, and trimming trees. The ocean view is almost gone, as they don't trim the hedge like we did. Silly tenants, I am pretty sure the view is the best part of that house.
It is Christmas next week. I don't feel Christmassy at all this year. It's been strange, due to the rain it's been far cooler than normal and I love that but it just doesn't feel like Christmas. I haven't put up the tree, or sent any cards, although I have pretty well got all my shopping done. The kids haven't been home much either. They are both taking advantage of the Christmas rush, working loads and making some dollars. SS wants to get back to Europe in the new year, and visit germany again, Norway, Scotland again and maybe Ireland again. He's deferred from Uni until July so I hope he takes advantage of the time. I wish I could go with him.
Instead I am going to walk up our amazing rainforest gully now, marvel at the waterfall, check my vegetable gardens and see how my coffee trees are doing. Then I am going to just be grateful for all of this. I am so lucky.
It's a magical day here today. I am all dressed up ready to go out and carry out a bit of weed control on our land. Not a very glamourous job but it's still nice to get out amongst the trees and get some excersize at the same time. It's also necessary work as we have had so much rain this spring, more than ever recorded before apparently, which means that, although it's great for the garden and the trees we have planted, the weeds are also going beserk.
This year has been quite insane for me. WD was doing her last year of university, and due to a few accommodation problems in the city, as well as lots of money issues, she spent most of the year at home, where she set up her workshop in the shed and set about creating her final year collection. If you know her name you can seach and read her blog too :) I ended up helping her a lot as she doesn't have her driver's licence so I got roped into the fabric sourcing and repeated delivery of her and her creations to the city and back. I also worked on one of her side projects, making silver jewellery. The jewellery is now (from yesterday)stocked in a trendy little shop in the city. I hope it sells well. I am nervous about it as I hadn't done any silversmithing for over ten years. It's just like riding a bike though, I hadn't forgotten how.
The other major thing going on for me is that we are broke :( I spent far too much money helping WD get through this year, as well as sending her to the UK for her internship. Maybe that would have been okay if we hadn't had such a shocking year with the business. It's a carry over from the GFC I suppose, but we had our worst year on record and S is really unhappy as well. He's not as young as he used to be and is in a lot of pain with the physical stuff. It sucks getting older. He's also been studying, doing really well ofcourse. Once again he discouraged me from studying and I quit, instead slotting back into my 'support for everyone else' role. I feel like a failure, what's new?
Tonight is WD's offical graduation ceremony, so we are back off to the city for that. It's pretty well only an hour from here so it's not too bad. It used to take 1.5 hours when we lived at the beach. The move has been great in so many ways, but stressful as well. I still don't feel settled here but I'm getting there. We go back to the old house quite often as we have friends renting it. The house looks nicer now than it ever did when we lived there, but the garden is dreadful. We need to go and spend a few weekends tidying it up, and trimming trees. The ocean view is almost gone, as they don't trim the hedge like we did. Silly tenants, I am pretty sure the view is the best part of that house.
It is Christmas next week. I don't feel Christmassy at all this year. It's been strange, due to the rain it's been far cooler than normal and I love that but it just doesn't feel like Christmas. I haven't put up the tree, or sent any cards, although I have pretty well got all my shopping done. The kids haven't been home much either. They are both taking advantage of the Christmas rush, working loads and making some dollars. SS wants to get back to Europe in the new year, and visit germany again, Norway, Scotland again and maybe Ireland again. He's deferred from Uni until July so I hope he takes advantage of the time. I wish I could go with him.
Instead I am going to walk up our amazing rainforest gully now, marvel at the waterfall, check my vegetable gardens and see how my coffee trees are doing. Then I am going to just be grateful for all of this. I am so lucky.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Mourning the Matriarch
Before she died in 1999, I thought of my family as a unit, a large umbrella spreading out around dear Grandma who was the central peak. It isn’t like that anymore. In the 10 years since she left us, we have gradually fragmented and strolled our paths to destruction. If I ask myself why this is so, the first theory I arrive at is one based on respect. We respected that woman; we all adored her and clambered for her approval and attention. I always thought that I had gained hers, she always made me feel that I was special; it never occurred to me for a moment that she had the ability to make others feel that way too.
After she was gone my Aunt told me how angry Grandma had been at me at one point in my life; my second sister told me how she considered herself Grandma’s favourite, and my brother related stories she’d told that she had never shared with me. I simply couldn’t believe it. I had always, and still secretly believe, that Grandma loved me the best. I was the one who she told stories; I was the one who she understood the best. I was her favourite!
There is no doubt she had a profound effect on all of our lives. Her paranoia over what the neighbours would think was fed to us before solids, her pride and snobbery have been a ‘log’ on my shoulder for as long as I remember. She is with me every time I hear someone say ‘youse’ or ‘somethink’. She dots my ‘i’s’ and crosses my ‘t’s’, and I stifle a giggle when I realise that three of her closest Granddaughters ended up marrying Catholics, I comfort myself imagining her stifling a wee giggle too.
She left behind her a large and mostly successful family. This family is not without its tragedies, and scandals, but it is without its matriarch. Like all teams, we flounder without our captain. We all play our own game and forget that we can’t win without the support of our co-players. When my eldest sister deleted me on facebook, Grandma was not here to tell us both to mind our P’s and Q’s and pull our heads in. She wasn’t here to stop and listen to why we were upset with each other, and unfortunately, she didn’t tell us how to fix it. So the standoff remains, and I know that it shouldn’t.
Is it possible that the real problem since her passing has not been her absence alone, but the lack of leadership itself? The internal jostling for dominance continues and ideally a new matriarch should take position. Alas, after ten long years of testing, we are too raw and bruised from poor on field behaviour to consider an election. It seems that working together has become less of a possibility. We continue to lose respect for each other as each player’s true colours are revealed. And that’s just it, rather than reforming the old team, it is perhaps more realistic that we should move to take on our own colours, and concentrate more on our own teams…our own families.
After she was gone my Aunt told me how angry Grandma had been at me at one point in my life; my second sister told me how she considered herself Grandma’s favourite, and my brother related stories she’d told that she had never shared with me. I simply couldn’t believe it. I had always, and still secretly believe, that Grandma loved me the best. I was the one who she told stories; I was the one who she understood the best. I was her favourite!
There is no doubt she had a profound effect on all of our lives. Her paranoia over what the neighbours would think was fed to us before solids, her pride and snobbery have been a ‘log’ on my shoulder for as long as I remember. She is with me every time I hear someone say ‘youse’ or ‘somethink’. She dots my ‘i’s’ and crosses my ‘t’s’, and I stifle a giggle when I realise that three of her closest Granddaughters ended up marrying Catholics, I comfort myself imagining her stifling a wee giggle too.
She left behind her a large and mostly successful family. This family is not without its tragedies, and scandals, but it is without its matriarch. Like all teams, we flounder without our captain. We all play our own game and forget that we can’t win without the support of our co-players. When my eldest sister deleted me on facebook, Grandma was not here to tell us both to mind our P’s and Q’s and pull our heads in. She wasn’t here to stop and listen to why we were upset with each other, and unfortunately, she didn’t tell us how to fix it. So the standoff remains, and I know that it shouldn’t.
Is it possible that the real problem since her passing has not been her absence alone, but the lack of leadership itself? The internal jostling for dominance continues and ideally a new matriarch should take position. Alas, after ten long years of testing, we are too raw and bruised from poor on field behaviour to consider an election. It seems that working together has become less of a possibility. We continue to lose respect for each other as each player’s true colours are revealed. And that’s just it, rather than reforming the old team, it is perhaps more realistic that we should move to take on our own colours, and concentrate more on our own teams…our own families.
Monday, February 22, 2010
News update
Last June we bought another house. It's a wee cottage in the hills, just 20 minutes drive from our old place and the beach. We have 6 acres here (that's somewhere around 2.4 hectares I think?), it's mostly wattle regrowth and lantana, which is pretty bad, but we have started cleaning it up. There is also 2 gorgeous rainforest gullies and high ridges dotted with eucalypt. The land closest to the house is cleared and the previous owners have planted hundreds of trees, some native and some exotic. We have jacarandas which were stunningly beautiful in flower in spring and early summer, we have palms and citrus and macadamia and mango. I have 2 vegie gardens, mostly producing zucchinis, pumpkins, watermelons and cucumbers, but also capsicum, eggplant, chillies and various herbs. I haven't done so well with tomatoes and lettuce, or potatoes and carrots but it might just be cooling down enough to try again. Yesterday got 2 new additions to our little family, 2 lovely Rhodesian red hens. They both layed while I was still setting up their coop. We were lucky, as a friend who is moving overseas gave them and the coop to us. I spent a mad frenzied few hours yesterday afternoon getting it all set up and secure before nightfall. I have seen foxes out here so I am very worried they will try and get my hens. Nasty things.
Next week the new semester starts at uni. This will be my third semester, as I studied over the summer as well. I've done really well so far but they have all just been plemininary courses really. This semester I am enrolled to do two Humanities subjects and officially start my Arts degree. I don't really know why I am studying or what I want to get out of it, I just know I am sick of doing everyone elses uni research for them and not getting any recognition for it. I am still helping them all of course, but it's very nice to do something for myself! S enrolled back into his degree course as soon as I started last year, so now the entire family is studying, quite funny really :)
WD got back from Germany last week, she was away in Europe for seven weeks which was a damn long time. She stayed mostly in Berlin but also travelled to Edinburgh, London, Paris, and Provence. Lucky her! She's come back all motivated to complete her degree this year and then move to Europe. It's all she talks about, she loved it over there so much. I knew she would love it but I guess I hoped she wouldn't plan to go so soon. This year will be huge for her though so there's no guarantee she will finish or that she'll still want to move to Europe at the end of it. Wait and see I guess? She split up with her artist boyfriend when in Berlin early in her trip and then met some Irish bloke just before she came home. He's in a band which actually sound really good. My kind of music, I hope she talks him into touring Australia and we get some free tickets :) The band in currently touring the UK and apparently it's going well.
SS starts back at Uni today, he's done really well at Uni so far too. I am so proud of him. He spent most of his holidays up here with us and I felt like crying yesterday, thinking of his absence. He's a good person but I do worry whether he is a happy person, he's so secretive.
Sometimes I miss our old house and being able to walk to the beach. I've been back there a lot though, as we have rented it to friends and they invite us over every few weeks. The house looks far better now than it ever did when we lived there as we did a lot of work on it just before we left. I think that's always the way isn't it? That you only renovate properly when you are selling or moving out? I am so glad we've been able to keep it anyway and perhaps one day we will live there again, who knows.
Anyway I am off to feed the chooks, though I better do some research first, as I actually have no idea how much to feed them? After that I am going to put the yabbie pots out again. I love yabbies, they taste so much nicer than prawns and we have heaps of them in the dam. I am loving living out here :)
Next week the new semester starts at uni. This will be my third semester, as I studied over the summer as well. I've done really well so far but they have all just been plemininary courses really. This semester I am enrolled to do two Humanities subjects and officially start my Arts degree. I don't really know why I am studying or what I want to get out of it, I just know I am sick of doing everyone elses uni research for them and not getting any recognition for it. I am still helping them all of course, but it's very nice to do something for myself! S enrolled back into his degree course as soon as I started last year, so now the entire family is studying, quite funny really :)
WD got back from Germany last week, she was away in Europe for seven weeks which was a damn long time. She stayed mostly in Berlin but also travelled to Edinburgh, London, Paris, and Provence. Lucky her! She's come back all motivated to complete her degree this year and then move to Europe. It's all she talks about, she loved it over there so much. I knew she would love it but I guess I hoped she wouldn't plan to go so soon. This year will be huge for her though so there's no guarantee she will finish or that she'll still want to move to Europe at the end of it. Wait and see I guess? She split up with her artist boyfriend when in Berlin early in her trip and then met some Irish bloke just before she came home. He's in a band which actually sound really good. My kind of music, I hope she talks him into touring Australia and we get some free tickets :) The band in currently touring the UK and apparently it's going well.
SS starts back at Uni today, he's done really well at Uni so far too. I am so proud of him. He spent most of his holidays up here with us and I felt like crying yesterday, thinking of his absence. He's a good person but I do worry whether he is a happy person, he's so secretive.
Sometimes I miss our old house and being able to walk to the beach. I've been back there a lot though, as we have rented it to friends and they invite us over every few weeks. The house looks far better now than it ever did when we lived there as we did a lot of work on it just before we left. I think that's always the way isn't it? That you only renovate properly when you are selling or moving out? I am so glad we've been able to keep it anyway and perhaps one day we will live there again, who knows.
Anyway I am off to feed the chooks, though I better do some research first, as I actually have no idea how much to feed them? After that I am going to put the yabbie pots out again. I love yabbies, they taste so much nicer than prawns and we have heaps of them in the dam. I am loving living out here :)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Educational Angst
Sometimes I am just not sure which way I am facing. I want to turn around and look at where I have come from so I can figure out why I am here and see if I can remember where it actually was I thought I was heading.
I know that I am lucky, okay I am not financially very well off but I have a great family and I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Right now I am sitting on my bed at 8am in the morning. It is warm enough this morning that I have my bedroom door opened wide on to the deck and Ardi, my dog, is laying across the doorway, his doggy smell wafting in a little and reminding me that it is high time he had a good bath. The birds are singing frantically in the gum tree that overhangs our deck, the bright green leaves look just too beautiful against the clear blue of the morning sky. Through the silver branches of the tree I can see Emu mountian in the distance and beyond that the headlands of Noosa national park. I guess if I stood up I could probably also see, beyond Noosa, the white sand-dunes of Double Island Point. So, this isn't far from paradise, where I am right now, my feet tucked snugly under me and happy memories of this room surrounding me like a blanket of love.
I have almost recovered, this morning, from the emotional angst of the last few days after arguing with WD while she was home. I had been so very, very angry a her but this morning I woke up terrified for her and wishing so much that I had been more supportive and helpful. She is due at her class in about an hour, she would have been up for most of the night preparing her final presentation for the semester. Her piece is certainly artistic and I am praying that they will overlook the technical shortcomings and give her a pass (or better). I am actually angry at myself for not helping her more now whereas last week I was angry at myself for helping her at all.
Our arguments were mostly over her lack of commitment to uni. I have to take a long hard look at myself here. I am a parent, I want the best for my child. I can't believe that that is a bad thing? She hung up on me one day last week after I had just spent hours helping her by reading over a major assignment for her and checking her references. I suspect that I shouldn't be even helping her that much but it was the desperation in her voice and my pathetic desire to be 'needed'. Then a day or two later she hit me with the.."I am going to quit uni and become a musician". So here is where I really need to take a good look at myself and why her saying something like that is like a blow in the guts for me. I mean, shit, it's not my life, why do I care? She's a great singer, she could have fun with that?
Here's the deal though, maybe some of you remember that a few years ago I desperately wanted to go to uni. I started putting my application together before S shot me down in flames suggesting that I might find it a but too tough and we couldn't afford it anyway. I am not the most confident bunny so I figured money would be best spent on my kids education anyway, not silly old me..... So yea, there it is in a nutshell, I am jealous.
It's pretty pathetic to be jealous of your child isn't it? Is it a common thing though? I mean I just wanted her to have all the things that I didn't have and I have pushed her a bit, some would even think that I haven't pushed her enough. I am pretty lenient and understanding but right now, if she does throw it all away so soon I won't deny I am going to be devestated. I am just off the phone to her tonight (You'll be relieved to now I am no longer sitting on the bed, I did get up and actually had a lovely day). She told me that she will fail her exam on saturday and that she refuses to study for it. That really pisses me off. She could just be saying that to annoy me too, who knows?
I guess I can see that I am heading in all the wrong directions here, that in trying to be a good parent I just wind up being a crap one and in trying to be selfless I may have just wasted a whole heap of energy for nothing and probably would have just been better off doing what I wanted to do for me. Meh.
I know that I am lucky, okay I am not financially very well off but I have a great family and I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Right now I am sitting on my bed at 8am in the morning. It is warm enough this morning that I have my bedroom door opened wide on to the deck and Ardi, my dog, is laying across the doorway, his doggy smell wafting in a little and reminding me that it is high time he had a good bath. The birds are singing frantically in the gum tree that overhangs our deck, the bright green leaves look just too beautiful against the clear blue of the morning sky. Through the silver branches of the tree I can see Emu mountian in the distance and beyond that the headlands of Noosa national park. I guess if I stood up I could probably also see, beyond Noosa, the white sand-dunes of Double Island Point. So, this isn't far from paradise, where I am right now, my feet tucked snugly under me and happy memories of this room surrounding me like a blanket of love.
I have almost recovered, this morning, from the emotional angst of the last few days after arguing with WD while she was home. I had been so very, very angry a her but this morning I woke up terrified for her and wishing so much that I had been more supportive and helpful. She is due at her class in about an hour, she would have been up for most of the night preparing her final presentation for the semester. Her piece is certainly artistic and I am praying that they will overlook the technical shortcomings and give her a pass (or better). I am actually angry at myself for not helping her more now whereas last week I was angry at myself for helping her at all.
Our arguments were mostly over her lack of commitment to uni. I have to take a long hard look at myself here. I am a parent, I want the best for my child. I can't believe that that is a bad thing? She hung up on me one day last week after I had just spent hours helping her by reading over a major assignment for her and checking her references. I suspect that I shouldn't be even helping her that much but it was the desperation in her voice and my pathetic desire to be 'needed'. Then a day or two later she hit me with the.."I am going to quit uni and become a musician". So here is where I really need to take a good look at myself and why her saying something like that is like a blow in the guts for me. I mean, shit, it's not my life, why do I care? She's a great singer, she could have fun with that?
Here's the deal though, maybe some of you remember that a few years ago I desperately wanted to go to uni. I started putting my application together before S shot me down in flames suggesting that I might find it a but too tough and we couldn't afford it anyway. I am not the most confident bunny so I figured money would be best spent on my kids education anyway, not silly old me..... So yea, there it is in a nutshell, I am jealous.
It's pretty pathetic to be jealous of your child isn't it? Is it a common thing though? I mean I just wanted her to have all the things that I didn't have and I have pushed her a bit, some would even think that I haven't pushed her enough. I am pretty lenient and understanding but right now, if she does throw it all away so soon I won't deny I am going to be devestated. I am just off the phone to her tonight (You'll be relieved to now I am no longer sitting on the bed, I did get up and actually had a lovely day). She told me that she will fail her exam on saturday and that she refuses to study for it. That really pisses me off. She could just be saying that to annoy me too, who knows?
I guess I can see that I am heading in all the wrong directions here, that in trying to be a good parent I just wind up being a crap one and in trying to be selfless I may have just wasted a whole heap of energy for nothing and probably would have just been better off doing what I wanted to do for me. Meh.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Belle and the Bell
Belle Breden stole the bell in 1979. I was in year nine and
Belle was my nemesis. She delighted in making my life a misery and I simply
didn’t understand it. The concept of getting a thrill out of causing discomfort
to another has always been beyond me. I just cannot see the point. I suppose,
now, Belle would have been described as the classic ADHD child. Mischievous,
cheeky, energetic and the most annoying person I have ever known. I saw her a
few years ago at a mutual friends wedding. She is ‘horsey’, has a brood of young
boys and a husband twice her age. She was warm and friendly towards me. I was
coolly polite. I still, on picturing her in my mind, feel the sharp niggle of
annoyance deep under my ribs. Honestly said, I still hate her, and I felt some
form of glee in seeing her lack of elegance and discomfort in the formal
surrounds of a wedding. I would like to think I am ‘big’ enough to be able to
forgive her for those years of cruelty to me, but I am not.
The bell woke us every morning. Deaconess Nelsen with her
bowl haircut and her flat hard face would thump up the stairs next to our dorm
first. Her bowed legs supporting her rounded turtle like body she would ring
the bell beside each of our pillows in turn, a smirk of glee in her cold brown
eyes. If we pulled the covers over our heads, as we invariably did in a vain
attempt to soften the harsh clanging, she would move closer and maliciously
give the bell an extra loud ‘dong’ next to our tortured ears. It wasn’t a
nice way to wake up.
The dorm I was in that year, when I was fourteen, was in the
oldest building. It must have been purpose built back when the school was in
its early years. It was a huge rectangular Queenslander style structure. In the
centre was a smaller rectangle cut up into about 16 ‘cubes’ filled with
built-in wardrobes and chests of drawers. Three or four girls shared each
‘cube’ and inside the wardrobe doors sixty years of names were carved into the
timber, painted over and carved fresh by the next generation. Windows ran
around the building. Timber framed dormer windows, grand and beautiful I
suppose in their heritage style. Our beds ran right around the dorm in a ring,
our heads under those windows so that the cold air seemed to forget the glass
was there and bite our faces in the night. The school was perched on top of the
range so that in winter the winds howled up those valleys and every pane of
glass seemed to rattle and whine in protest.
I realise now, that the section of dorm that Belle, four
others and I were allotted was, due to
its proximity to the matron’s office together with its position next to the
main traffic areas the least comfortable, homely and private section of dorm in
the entire school. Every boarding student in the school would file past and
rumble up and down the timber stairs adjacent. We were the last to sleep at
night and the first to wake in the mornings. It is clear to me now why the six
of us were given this dubious honour. We were the ‘troublemakers’. The bad
girls that had to be watched, accused, and suspected of every misdemeanour
that occurred.
In retrospect it
probably was a reputation well deserved though the treatment we received only
served to encourage us. We were either hardened from too many years living away
from our parents, as in the case of Jade, Jessie, Sally and I who had all been
in boarding school since our primary years, ADHD like Belle or just plain
rebellious like Kim. The six of us were the scapegoats.
I still feel
somehow miscast in this role. I suppose that I never felt I belonged and my
discomfort with my position only led the others to ridicule me. They didn’t see
me as ‘one of them’ either. I did whatever I could to try and fit in, to try
and be happy have fun and keep out of trouble. Unfortunately I wasn’t very good
at it.
Boarding school for
me was an unhappy experience. Having come from an isolated area I suppose I
wasn’t used to having people around me. Perhaps that was why I was always searching
for some solitude? That in itself was a crime as any girl who could not be
easily seen by the matrons at all times, clearly had to be up to no good. Aside
from field hockey every Saturday which was the only thing that kept me sane in
that godforsaken place, there was pretty well nothing at all to do. The
weekends I spent lying on the grass around the oval, by the swimming pool if it
were open, which wasn’t very often, or there were two televisions that we could
watch if we wanted. I spent most Saturday afternoons in the Rec room lying
about on the synthetic carpeted floor, half watching old Marilyn, Elvis or
Jerry Lewis movies.
One afternoon, as I
dozed, one of the only two little boys in the school sat behind me. I don’t
remember his name only that he was dark skinned, Papua New Guinean I think,
with freckles across his nose and tight sun bleached curly hair. I woke to feel
him touching my hair, so very different from his own; my straight, silky black
hair must have been strangely exotic to him. I managed to stay semi-conscious
long enough to appreciate this so seldom felt sensation. The touch of another
human being. Perhaps I flinched when I realised that this child I barely
knew was touching my head, overstepping that invisible barrier that we all had
built around ourselves. He drew back and I felt guilty, as if I had rejected
him in some way. I told him, it was fine that he could play with my hair if he
wished but he drew back into himself, sitting against the wall and refusing to
meet my gaze. I made a point of trying to always be nice to him after that,
smiling when we passed in the hallway or in the dining room, but he would avert
his gaze so in the end I don’t think we ever spoke.
My position as
school rebel only became more set in stone that year. I had been suspended the
year before which was the topic of an earlier essay that I have now lost. In
short I was one of a group of girls (Sally, Kim, Fiona, who never came back for
year nine, and myself) who had started rebelling in year eight. Three of us had
already been in boarding school for more than two years and I believe that is
the main reason we were so independent and jaded in our ability to respect the
endless rules and regulations that shaped our lives. Kim was just plain naughty.
We had started smoking sometime in year eight; hanging out with other older
long-term ‘inmates’ and this placed us in a class of our own. The good girls
didn’t really mix with us. I suppose the action of sneaking down to ‘smoker’s
gully’ below the primary school on weekend for a cigarette filled us with an
adrenalin rush that we all became addicted to. So we began to look for
something a little more exciting. Kim was something of a ringleader I suppose.
She was quite ‘mature’ for her age and having an older brother at the closest
boy’s boarding school meant that she knew a lot of the boys. We started
sneaking out sometimes to see our ‘boyfriends’. Of course, one night we got
caught. Just Sally and I actually, and we were used as an example and suspended
for two weeks. That’s a sure-fire way to get a black mark next to your name. It
turned out to be written in indelible ink. Some things just never come clean no
matter how hard you scrub.
It was Mrs Turner
who was ringing the bell the morning that Belle stole it. She came up the
stairs doggedly stomping and clanging before she noticed a window slightly ajar
and set the bell down for a moment while she attended to the window. I wonder
now if Belle had orchestrated the whole thing? Did she open that window? Had
she planned with another of the girls to distract the matron while she spirited
that bell away? I don’t know if I never knew this or if I just can’t remember,
either way, Belle hid the bell and Mrs Turner was flummoxed, she couldn’t find
it in our cupboards or under our beds and with her responsibility to wake the
students and get them to the dining room on time, she didn’t have much chance
to search for it. We held our faces straight and feigned ignorance. Mrs Turner
then proceeded to shout the girls’ awake, panic on the edge of her voice. She
was so lost without the power bestowed upon her by that metal noisemaker. Belle
was then given time to hide it more securely. We were all most impressed. What
followed were about two days of bliss as poor old Mrs Turner was left shouting
us awake until Deaconess Nelson dug into the coffers and purchased a new one.
It was worth it though; even two days of laughs were valuable beyond measure to
us.
It wouldn’t happen
in any other section of the dorm though, would it? It had to be the ‘bad girls’
who were behind this and so our reputations were further tarnished. Mrs Turner
lost any of the tiny skerrick of kindness or sympathy she may have had for us
and took extra glee in all her future stomping and clanging when she was in our
vicinity. She was extra vigilant in the night when she came around to
confiscate our radio cassette players that we would sleep with under our
pillows. I resented her the most for this, that music was a comfort like no other through those long, cold and lonely nights.
Despite loudspeaker announcements, daily dorm searches and mounting threats of detention or suspension should the bell not be returned. Belle herself, had managed to hide it so well that it was never found that term. I suspect she managed to gain access to the box room and hide it in her suitcase, then take it home with her, because it was about a year later that her mother found it and returned it with an apology. I can't remember Belle's punishment but I think the many weeks of detention she earned would have kept her away from me, and I would have been happy about that.
Despite loudspeaker announcements, daily dorm searches and mounting threats of detention or suspension should the bell not be returned. Belle herself, had managed to hide it so well that it was never found that term. I suspect she managed to gain access to the box room and hide it in her suitcase, then take it home with her, because it was about a year later that her mother found it and returned it with an apology. I can't remember Belle's punishment but I think the many weeks of detention she earned would have kept her away from me, and I would have been happy about that.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Today is a big one....
It's funny how often I post in my head on this blog and yet nothing ever makes it to the screen, the words just swim away, lost forever in the ocean of my mind.
I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? It doesn't really matter, when it all comes down to it, my blog is for me, a little diary of my random thoughts and nowadays an occasional log on the momentous occasions in my life.
Today is a big one....
Today my baby boy graduates from high school! My beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, kind hearted super son is finishing high school and leaving home.
He could barely talk when we sent him to school for year one, we thought he might have some form of dislexia or deafness. He couldn't keep up with the other kids and he barely said a word. We sent him to a speech therapist and we worried about him constantly. When we tore him out of school halfway through grade 2 and dragged him around the world to live in Scotland, due to the different starting times for the school year, he had to go straight into year 3 over there. His teacher turned out to be a saint and set about making sure our struggling son made it through every day and it is thanks to her that his speech improved, his brain woke up and he became interested and engaged in the world around him. She is also responsible for the hint of a scottish accent that even after 10 years back in Australia still has people constantly asking him where he is from.
In just over a month he will be back in Scotland and I should make the effort to find out if that teacher is still working because it'd be nice if he could visit his old school again. Not only is my "little boy" finishing school and getting ready to move to the city for university in February but he is also flying alone to Europe for 5 weeks! I am gobsmacked really. He has friends in Munich who he is staying with for the bulk of the time, but is also flying to Edinburgh to see some old friends there and Ireland as well to see some relatives, all at 17! I am proud of his bravery but given that he has barely been away from home before for more than a week at a time I am rather overwhelmed by the enormity of this trip. For christsakes he was homesick during his week in the snow in September! How will he survive without me?.... Clearly it's me who's going to be the one not surviving!
Last night after the awards ceremony at his school where he got dux of geography(hope that means he won't get lost overseas) we went to the Noodle bar for some eats. One of the school brothers approached us there and made a point of telling us how much he liked and respected our son. I wonder if he knew that he was gay? I have really appreciated the kind and understanding environment that his catholic school has given him, the support they have shown as he has remained determined to be himself. One thing about my boy, NOTHING sways him from staying true to himself. I adore him for that.
So this is a big day. Will I cry at some point? Thinking of my gorgeous little boy as I trussed him up for his first day of school in January 1996. Will I get a little teary tonight as he dons his bow tie and pointy shoes and hits the dance floor at the grad ball? My baby, all grown up...
Next year he wants to study architecture at University in Brisbane. I am not sure if he will get in, it's a really popular course so the standards have to be very high. If he misses out he will probably do a BA - Geography. The thing is I think he is more suited to the geography course, I think he is too young to make such a big decision anyway but he is determined so i will let him be and let him find his own way. That's the best thing I can do for him, I think.
Meanwhile Wonder Daughter called me last night on top of the world. She just had one of her 1st year designs paraded in the Grad year fashion parade and after the show was over was approached by a Melbourne retailer wanting to stock her "range" She doesn't have one yet but she will. She has always had such fantastic responses to her work. She has chopped and changed in so many areas of her life so much over the last 3 years but the one thing that has remained contant for her is her passion for designing. It's times like these I think she will actually make a name for herself.
I shouldn't be sitting here writing anymore. Today the new kitchen is going in, or starting to go in at least. The house has been in shambles for weeks as we paint and hammer and scrub. It's due to go on the market next weekend....We are selling our home....I think?
Will we go ahead and sell? Will Super Son get into the course he wants at Uni? Will he be all right overseas for 5 weeks without me? Will I cope without him? Will Wonder Daughter and her lovely Mick Jagger lookalike boyfriend stay as happy as they have been? Will S's parents finally stop torturing him and will he start smiling again? Will I stop stuffing around renovating everything I can get my hands on and get a real job?
These and other questions in 2009...roll on new year...
I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? It doesn't really matter, when it all comes down to it, my blog is for me, a little diary of my random thoughts and nowadays an occasional log on the momentous occasions in my life.
Today is a big one....
Today my baby boy graduates from high school! My beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, kind hearted super son is finishing high school and leaving home.
He could barely talk when we sent him to school for year one, we thought he might have some form of dislexia or deafness. He couldn't keep up with the other kids and he barely said a word. We sent him to a speech therapist and we worried about him constantly. When we tore him out of school halfway through grade 2 and dragged him around the world to live in Scotland, due to the different starting times for the school year, he had to go straight into year 3 over there. His teacher turned out to be a saint and set about making sure our struggling son made it through every day and it is thanks to her that his speech improved, his brain woke up and he became interested and engaged in the world around him. She is also responsible for the hint of a scottish accent that even after 10 years back in Australia still has people constantly asking him where he is from.
In just over a month he will be back in Scotland and I should make the effort to find out if that teacher is still working because it'd be nice if he could visit his old school again. Not only is my "little boy" finishing school and getting ready to move to the city for university in February but he is also flying alone to Europe for 5 weeks! I am gobsmacked really. He has friends in Munich who he is staying with for the bulk of the time, but is also flying to Edinburgh to see some old friends there and Ireland as well to see some relatives, all at 17! I am proud of his bravery but given that he has barely been away from home before for more than a week at a time I am rather overwhelmed by the enormity of this trip. For christsakes he was homesick during his week in the snow in September! How will he survive without me?.... Clearly it's me who's going to be the one not surviving!
Last night after the awards ceremony at his school where he got dux of geography(hope that means he won't get lost overseas) we went to the Noodle bar for some eats. One of the school brothers approached us there and made a point of telling us how much he liked and respected our son. I wonder if he knew that he was gay? I have really appreciated the kind and understanding environment that his catholic school has given him, the support they have shown as he has remained determined to be himself. One thing about my boy, NOTHING sways him from staying true to himself. I adore him for that.
So this is a big day. Will I cry at some point? Thinking of my gorgeous little boy as I trussed him up for his first day of school in January 1996. Will I get a little teary tonight as he dons his bow tie and pointy shoes and hits the dance floor at the grad ball? My baby, all grown up...
Next year he wants to study architecture at University in Brisbane. I am not sure if he will get in, it's a really popular course so the standards have to be very high. If he misses out he will probably do a BA - Geography. The thing is I think he is more suited to the geography course, I think he is too young to make such a big decision anyway but he is determined so i will let him be and let him find his own way. That's the best thing I can do for him, I think.
Meanwhile Wonder Daughter called me last night on top of the world. She just had one of her 1st year designs paraded in the Grad year fashion parade and after the show was over was approached by a Melbourne retailer wanting to stock her "range" She doesn't have one yet but she will. She has always had such fantastic responses to her work. She has chopped and changed in so many areas of her life so much over the last 3 years but the one thing that has remained contant for her is her passion for designing. It's times like these I think she will actually make a name for herself.
I shouldn't be sitting here writing anymore. Today the new kitchen is going in, or starting to go in at least. The house has been in shambles for weeks as we paint and hammer and scrub. It's due to go on the market next weekend....We are selling our home....I think?
Will we go ahead and sell? Will Super Son get into the course he wants at Uni? Will he be all right overseas for 5 weeks without me? Will I cope without him? Will Wonder Daughter and her lovely Mick Jagger lookalike boyfriend stay as happy as they have been? Will S's parents finally stop torturing him and will he start smiling again? Will I stop stuffing around renovating everything I can get my hands on and get a real job?
These and other questions in 2009...roll on new year...
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Hatred
I feel so depressed today not too depressed that I can't do anything but just down with a fat wad of sadness in my belly. I know it's there because S got mad at me, he said I was horrible to him all day yesterday which I know wasn't true. I know he is gutted by the way his parents are behaving and that always makes him touchy and ultra sensitive. The thing is, it is partly because I know he is touchy and sensitive that I hold back from him a bit amd I am thinking maybe he thinks I am being nasty? The other part of it is that this thing with his parents upsets me too. It cuts and weighs on me like lead on my soul. I feel hatred for them and it makes me feel sick that I can be so filled with vitriol.
They are poison.
S says he wishes he could have nothing more to do with them, that he could just cut them out of his life and be done with it but he cannot. He still loves his father despite everything. I do not. I quite definitely hate the stupid man. I am so tired of his pathetic behaviour, toeing the line to everything that the witch says and in the process emotionally murdering his children.
It is wrong.
I know that the man is old and ill and perhaps he has lost the ability to think for himself but I have heard his tone and read his nasty words and my capacity for forgiveness and understanding has been burnt away by the acid that he spreads.
I feel sick.
Outside today it is clear and the sun lands like crystal on the shiny green growth of spring. The ocean is so blue it almost makes me catch my breath, it is stunning. This house is so beautiful and yet we talk constantly that we have to get out of here. It has been a long arduous year, the poison of his family has stunted us and choked us, stolen our smiles and crippled our hearts. I understand our need to escape but acknowledge that there are some things that are unavoidable. I doubt it would matter how far we ran, her poison is sure to seek us out and smother us again.
I will get no satisfaction posting these words, they only paint me as the bitter, angry person I am today. There is nothing to be gained from hatred.
They are poison.
S says he wishes he could have nothing more to do with them, that he could just cut them out of his life and be done with it but he cannot. He still loves his father despite everything. I do not. I quite definitely hate the stupid man. I am so tired of his pathetic behaviour, toeing the line to everything that the witch says and in the process emotionally murdering his children.
It is wrong.
I know that the man is old and ill and perhaps he has lost the ability to think for himself but I have heard his tone and read his nasty words and my capacity for forgiveness and understanding has been burnt away by the acid that he spreads.
I feel sick.
Outside today it is clear and the sun lands like crystal on the shiny green growth of spring. The ocean is so blue it almost makes me catch my breath, it is stunning. This house is so beautiful and yet we talk constantly that we have to get out of here. It has been a long arduous year, the poison of his family has stunted us and choked us, stolen our smiles and crippled our hearts. I understand our need to escape but acknowledge that there are some things that are unavoidable. I doubt it would matter how far we ran, her poison is sure to seek us out and smother us again.
I will get no satisfaction posting these words, they only paint me as the bitter, angry person I am today. There is nothing to be gained from hatred.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Dear Mother-in-law
Thankyou so much for your call this morning and your rude sarcastic tone when I informed you that no, your son was not at home mis-spending his time with me but out working in the cyclonic wind and pouring rain. Your assertion that you would call him on his mobile(to check if I was telling the truth) shows again your complete understanding of his busy schedule and your naturally kind and thoughful nature. Your continued consideration of his health and happiness was again evident when you did not bother to enquire as to how he was or whether he indeed had any time to take your long and self-serving call. Your insistance that you will attend the State of Origin match with my husband's infirm father is interesting when in the very next breath you proceed to damn, detest and deride him. This is especially so when you have repeatedly stated over the years that no-one would drag you to watch such a pointless revolting game, as "My time is rather more valuable to me that that!". This decision to attend is also despite your clear knowledge of the thrill it would give my husband to go, especially given that it is his blood relative(not yours) who is likely to be honoured at this match.
My husband's phonecall to me, following yours to him, was again filled with the choking pain you always leave him in. I hope you enjoyed your morning of spreading spite and poison and look forward to your continued complaints against my son for his not doing enough jobs around the house for you, kissing your putrid feet nor being the fictitional totally unrealistic son that you think you wanted him to be. Evidently, the indesputible fact that you are the mother of a truly beautiful person has escaped you yet again and any small showing of a mother's love and kindness is beyond you.
I can only thank you now for the vitriol you spat at me when first, in 1988, you backed me into a corner in your hallway, stabbed me in the breast with your pointed finger and told me that I was NOT the daughter-in-law you wanted. Indeed I would likely detest myself if I WERE the type of person that somebody like you did approve of so you will understand my thankfulness in this matter is heartfelt. Coincidentally you nor are you the Mother-in-law that I hoped for! I also appreciate your advice at the time that your son was a horrible person and why anyone would want to marry such a dreadfully disagreeable, drug addled dropout was completely beyond your comprehension. It seems that despite your oft touted law degree and constant air of superior intelligence, many things are.
I will also take this opportunity to thank you for your part in creating the sensitive and well adjusted man my husband is now. That you have reached this pinnacle of achievement through cruelty, selfishness and downright evil has only served to ensure that your son is the complete opposite of you. His lifelong battle to break away from everything you are, has been a constant torture and the pain and guilt he feels now in acknowledging his rejection of you, is in contrast to your complete lack of regret at past horrors or consideration for anyone other than yourself.
Another aspect for which I am eternally grateful to you is the luxury that I have of blaming every one of his small and insignificant faults and every one of the equally insigificant hiccups within our marriage entirely on you. Any disagreement that we have are obviously again the result of his rebellion against you. His refusal to put the toilet seat down is your fault, as is his occasional excessive alcohol consumption and his sometimes mildly irritating passion for football. I am left in no doubt as to your culpability for any actions he has taken over the years which have been in any way cold or remote or have shown any disrespect to women. You must be so proud.
Clearly I have much to be thankful for. It is a shame that you too cannot be thankful he is not like you, for if he were I can only imagine the fireworks as the two of your fought to force your will upon each other.
So I will thank you again for your phonecall. I appreciate these calls, seldom and succinct as they may be, as they serve only to remind me of all that I must be truly grateful for.
Your one and only...
daughter-in-law,
Alice.
Apologies for the long and poorly structured sentences, anger doesn't like to spell-check.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Romeo & Juliet
The best memories of all were when my siblings and I were all home from boarding school and perhaps my cousin James was out on a university break. We would spend the days sitting in the sunroom reading "Reader's Digest" jokes out loud to each other or trying to fathom a mind bender that my cousin had heard at Uni. I only remember one of these well. The idea was that he would give us a few details of a scenario and ask us to work out how it came about. We would ask him questions but he could only give us yes or no answers.
This time He said;
"Romeo & Juliet were found dead on the floor. How did they die?"
It took us a few days but eventually we worked it out. If you don't know this puzzle please feel free to ask away and 'play' with me.
I adored my cousin. He was a lot like my father I think, just a younger and better looking version. He had made quite a fuss of me when I was small and would swing me around and throw me up into the air then catch me again as I squealed with delight. I distinctly remember the visit when I had become too big for this kind of treatment and my adoration of him had begun to get on his nerves. In the sun room he gently but firmly refused my access to his lap, when I knocked on his bedroom door he ignored me and at dinner my excited chatter went unheeded and as he concentrated instead on whatever my sister was saying. I was gutted.
My sister was smug about it, a look of victory on her face, the same look she used to get when we were smaller and our great uncle favoured her over me. I didn't understand why Uncle preferred her but I can't remember it bothering me overly much. I had so much love from Grandma which Cassie clearly resented, our big sister Julie would always take my side and big brother Robert chose to bully me over her(It was easier I suppose) I can understand so clearly now how she felt so overlooked in our family and how my arrival, when she was aged four, unseated her so badly. This is why it was so easy for him, our great uncle, a man in his fifties who never married, to prey so evilly on that little girl. What strikes me now is the fact that although we all grew up in the same household with the same environment, our places in the family resulted in us having such monumentally different childhoods.
James has four lovely, well adjusted daughters of his own now, our uncle was killed in a car accident in 1976 at about the time of that holiday I guess.... and then there was Romeo & Juliet....
This time He said;
"Romeo & Juliet were found dead on the floor. How did they die?"
It took us a few days but eventually we worked it out. If you don't know this puzzle please feel free to ask away and 'play' with me.
I adored my cousin. He was a lot like my father I think, just a younger and better looking version. He had made quite a fuss of me when I was small and would swing me around and throw me up into the air then catch me again as I squealed with delight. I distinctly remember the visit when I had become too big for this kind of treatment and my adoration of him had begun to get on his nerves. In the sun room he gently but firmly refused my access to his lap, when I knocked on his bedroom door he ignored me and at dinner my excited chatter went unheeded and as he concentrated instead on whatever my sister was saying. I was gutted.
My sister was smug about it, a look of victory on her face, the same look she used to get when we were smaller and our great uncle favoured her over me. I didn't understand why Uncle preferred her but I can't remember it bothering me overly much. I had so much love from Grandma which Cassie clearly resented, our big sister Julie would always take my side and big brother Robert chose to bully me over her(It was easier I suppose) I can understand so clearly now how she felt so overlooked in our family and how my arrival, when she was aged four, unseated her so badly. This is why it was so easy for him, our great uncle, a man in his fifties who never married, to prey so evilly on that little girl. What strikes me now is the fact that although we all grew up in the same household with the same environment, our places in the family resulted in us having such monumentally different childhoods.
James has four lovely, well adjusted daughters of his own now, our uncle was killed in a car accident in 1976 at about the time of that holiday I guess.... and then there was Romeo & Juliet....
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Evil , insanity and why we should move to the other side of the world.
Dear Mother and Father-in-Law,
I can truly say from the deepest part of my soul that I think the two of you are the most revolting despicable people on earth. The manner in which you have treated all five of the poor souls who have had the misfortune to call themselves your children makes me want to vomit in your faces. From your decision to abandon two of your disabled children one as a baby and the other as a toddler, to care facilities while you lied to your remaining children and for all intents and purposes pretended the other two did not exist sickens me beyond belief. Although in the past I have had great sympathy for you and have tried my best to be understanding as to the reason for your decisions, I now find, given the clear picture you are now giving of the true state of your hearts, that you do not deserve my sympathy nor my understanding.
Your two sons are both wonderful people but you seem unable to see this and instead are determined to cause them as much pain and agony as you can as you constantly deride them and express your dissapointment in them for not fullfilling some completely unrealistic ideal of what your warped minds think your sons should have become. That you somehow believe, after all of this, that your sons, in any way, owe YOU respect is beyond me when you have never shown either of them one iota of respect in their entire lives. Then there's your poor adopted daughter. The poor girl must ask herself what on earth she did to have been cursed with such unbelievably evil and incapable parents. Surely the world could have found her a normal family as not only does she have to now endure the knowledge that her real mother was unable to care for her for whatever reason but also that she was supposed to be some perfect substitiute for the imperfect children that you did not want and that anything less than perfection from her would never be tolerated.
You both make me sick and I truly hope I never again for all eternity have the misfortune to be in your company. The words in the letter that my husband received from you today were beyond belief. You most definitely do not deserve him as a son and your greatest fear that we might "keep the children from you" is now about to become a most definite reality. Unlike your children, my children absolutely adore their father and unlike you he respects them and he deserves their adoration.
Your EVIL* daughter-in-law
Alice
*I feel poisoned right now, my heart feels black and hollow and it sickens me. That the actions of these people make me feel emotions that are as evil and sick as them sickens me, I have to write all this anger down because I feel that if I don't put it somewhere it will overtake me and I will do or say something that I will regret.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
5 years
I just figured out that it is about 5 years since I first posted 'a' blog. I suppose anyone still reading this might be thinking..
"Yea, and it's nearly that long since you posted on this blog too!"
Oh well.....It isn't that I don't think posts or that I no longer have anything to say either, it is simply that I haven't been prioritising blogging/writing in my life above so many other things as I used to. I am unsure as yet if this is a good or a bad thing. We will see I suppose.
Last week we buried my uncle. I didn't know him very well. He was my father's little brother and suffered all his life from a form of autism. I went to the funeral along with 10 other of my 12 cousins from all over Australia. It was great to see them all. I am the youngest among us and it's was nice to feel like an adult amongst them but still feel younger :) As I have posted before, I never got to go to my own father's funeral, so this was for me quite like another goodbye to my father. He has actally been gone 21 years this month. That is almost half of my lifetime as I will be 43 in a few weeks. It really, REALLY doesn't seem that long. I miss him awfully. I wish most of all that he could be here to know my children. I feel as if both he and my kids got ripped off really badly in not having had the chance to know each other.
Speaking of my kids, I will update you a little. WD quit her full-time manager's job and went back to uni last month. So far I think she is really loving it, though I think what she is enjoying the most is being able to come home for three nights every week as she only has lectures monday & friday. She still works every sunday so gets to spend the weekends in the city with her friends. It's working well thus far.
SS is in his last year of highschool this year and is absolutely determined to do well. The whole house is constantly littered with his & WD's books and both S & I are helping them out with general support and research assistance. I am pretty sure highschool was nothing like this difficult when we went and I suspect that neither was uni. SS is thinking of studying geography or meteorology as these are his main interests but he wants to do a gap year first. He has a fair bit of money saved and wants to go to Iceland. WD wanted to go with him until she found out that the legal drinking age in Iceland is 20 so SS wouldn't be able to go out to any pubs/gigs with her. She is most interested in the music/arts scene there while SS wnts to look at the geographical features and the history & architecture. They are like chalk and cheese, the kids, but they love each other dearly so there isn't much more I could ask for.
As for me, well, currently I am working on restoring our '73 Kombi. It is a slow job but will be awesome when it is done. We have basically had rain here almost every day since Christmas so without a carport or shed to work in, it has been really frustrating. No pain, no gain though I guess. S & I have also decided that as soon as SS finishes school in november we are getting the hell out of here. We are hoping to rent this place out and buy a unit down on the NSW north coast. We don't want to be any further from Brisbane than we are now as we want the kids to be able to easily come home from uni/the city whenever they want to, just like they can with us here. Rhis all means tt I am also busy tidying up this house, painting and repairing and getting rid of all our collected unecessary possessions from the past 10 years. It is now 10 years since we last rented this place out when we went to live in Scotland for 18 months. I seriously think the only way to get me to have a decent spring clean is to make me move house. I might be a little bit lazy but it is more tha I am a hoarder and find it really difficult to part with silly possessions.
I hope you enjoyed the update. I have to rush off now but am determined to hit post before I do so that this post doesn't disappear into my forgotten drafts with all the others from the past few months :)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Hope
Last night I dreamt a lot. I dreamt I was lying in a field staring at the sky and telling a companion how ridiculously wonderful my life is.
It's true.
I have been through many cycles in my life. Cycles from happiness to sadness, from stupidity and desperation through to determination and downright pot luck. I guess life is just like that. If I go back and read what I have written over the years, to me it is like a diary of my moods. A diary of sadness, because it seems the only time I can actually write properly is when I am sad.
Tomorrow I am going to Stradbroke Island for a whole glorious week. I am not taking my laptop. I am taking my journal, pens, pencils, pastels and a stack of books. I hope I can break my invisible, self diagnosed writer's block of happiness and bring something worthwhile back to post for you. Hope is a lovely word.
It's true.
I have been through many cycles in my life. Cycles from happiness to sadness, from stupidity and desperation through to determination and downright pot luck. I guess life is just like that. If I go back and read what I have written over the years, to me it is like a diary of my moods. A diary of sadness, because it seems the only time I can actually write properly is when I am sad.
Tomorrow I am going to Stradbroke Island for a whole glorious week. I am not taking my laptop. I am taking my journal, pens, pencils, pastels and a stack of books. I hope I can break my invisible, self diagnosed writer's block of happiness and bring something worthwhile back to post for you. Hope is a lovely word.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Happy New Years Resolution!
That's it! My new year's resolution is to be happy! I wish this for anyone who still reads this blog too. Please, be happy and have a fantastic 2008!
I have figured out a few things that I need to do to achieve this so I guess these are my new years resolutions:
1. Sit at the computer less. (You may have noticed that I have been doing this already. I now have a handwritten journal that S got me for Christmas. In there I am writing things occasionally and if I ever write anything even marginally reasonable I shall attempt to post it online. I also can draw in my journal which is rather difficult to do on a blog so I am really enjoying that. Actually, so far it is mainly just drawings and very little writing, but I love to draw and it makes me happy, so there you go. One resolution is already working)
2. Get a job. (I have finally come to accept that I am not motivated enough to make a good living running my own business and working by myself all the time. This failure has infact been one of the main reasons I have been feeling so discontent in recent times. Working alone is also dreadfully lonely and although I have my doubts as to whether I am even capable of getting a real job, I really have to give it a go. Please wish me luck and courage. I really need some courage.)
3. Stop giving in to everyone else's demands. (I have started learning to stand up for myself. In the past I have always been such a pacifist that I tend to just do whatever people ask of me even when I don't agree with it, simply to avoid any form of confrontation. I have come to realise that I cannot do that anymore. It simply isn't healthy and it costs too much as well, sometimes in both time and money.)
4. Walk on the beach more, eat smaller meals at night and drink less. (i.e: get fit)
5. Be a better friend. (I am not so good at being a friend. I don't have many, only a few who are extremely important. I don't really think people want to hear from me anyway so I tend to keep to myself. I'd like to have more confidence.)
6. Extend my vege garden. (Ok, that's enough sitting at the keyboard. I am off to dig in the garden....)
PS. It would have been M's 48th birthday today, instead, it is about 1 month short of the 5th anniverary of his suicide. I don't dwell on thoughts of him as much anymore but he still lives on in my head and in this blog, for which after all, he was the inspiration.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Why it's great to see him go....
I grew up in rural Australia, in conservative country. A few months before I met the waiter, aged 18, I voted for Malcolm Fraser and I still, looking at the mettle of the man now, do not particularly regret that. It was John Howard's first rise to prominence, when I shared a house with students of politics in Melbourne in 1987 that forever opened my eyes to the shortsightedness that became the calling card of the recent Liberal party in Australia. Perhaps I am just a socialist to the core, I make no apologies, I believe that one is simply born that way, but I am not interested in what John Howard's government did for the individual (or claimed to have done), I am interested in what it means to be an Australian in a country run under his regime. While living in the UK in 1998-1999 and discussing the direction in which Australia headed I found myself deeply ashamed. That was the time of Pauline Hanson and it was clear that Howard was taking advantage of and encouraging her racism to advance his own political mandate.
Monday, September 10, 2007
I'm back!
It might sound a little corny to say that I just had the best holiday of my life but there you have it.
Tonight my skin is browner than it as been for over 19 years (since Mexico 1987/88) I haven't yet washed the southern salt from my hair as keeping it there might just somehow make the holiday last that moment longer. I won't lie that I am not tempted to bore you with a blow by blow account of every perfect moment in the last week but instead I will just give you these disjointed sentences.
Friends are wonderful. Cute old ramsackle hotels are the right place to stay between friends houses. The beaches in Northern NSW are the absolute best in the world. I want to move down there. I like fishing and I adore headlands. While I was baking in the sun and swimming in the ocean SS was winning the most improved skier award at his school snowy mountains trip and finally finding a sport he loves. I can never spend enough time with S.
Thats's about it...for the moment.
Tonight my skin is browner than it as been for over 19 years (since Mexico 1987/88) I haven't yet washed the southern salt from my hair as keeping it there might just somehow make the holiday last that moment longer. I won't lie that I am not tempted to bore you with a blow by blow account of every perfect moment in the last week but instead I will just give you these disjointed sentences.
Friends are wonderful. Cute old ramsackle hotels are the right place to stay between friends houses. The beaches in Northern NSW are the absolute best in the world. I want to move down there. I like fishing and I adore headlands. While I was baking in the sun and swimming in the ocean SS was winning the most improved skier award at his school snowy mountains trip and finally finding a sport he loves. I can never spend enough time with S.
Thats's about it...for the moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)