Today is a big one....

It's funny how often I post in my head on this blog and yet nothing ever makes it to the screen, the words just swim away, lost forever in the ocean of my mind.

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? It doesn't really matter, when it all comes down to it, my blog is for me, a little diary of my random thoughts and nowadays an occasional log on the momentous occasions in my life.

Today is a big one....

Today my baby boy graduates from high school! My beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, kind hearted super son is finishing high school and leaving home.

He could barely talk when we sent him to school for year one, we thought he might have some form of dislexia or deafness. He couldn't keep up with the other kids and he barely said a word. We sent him to a speech therapist and we worried about him constantly. When we tore him out of school halfway through grade 2 and dragged him around the world to live in Scotland, due to the different starting times for the school year, he had to go straight into year 3 over there. His teacher turned out to be a saint and set about making sure our struggling son made it through every day and it is thanks to her that his speech improved, his brain woke up and he became interested and engaged in the world around him. She is also responsible for the hint of a scottish accent that even after 10 years back in Australia still has people constantly asking him where he is from.

In just over a month he will be back in Scotland and I should make the effort to find out if that teacher is still working because it'd be nice if he could visit his old school again. Not only is my "little boy" finishing school and getting ready to move to the city for university in February but he is also flying alone to Europe for 5 weeks! I am gobsmacked really. He has friends in Munich who he is staying with for the bulk of the time, but is also flying to Edinburgh to see some old friends there and Ireland as well to see some relatives, all at 17! I am proud of his bravery but given that he has barely been away from home before for more than a week at a time I am rather overwhelmed by the enormity of this trip. For christsakes he was homesick during his week in the snow in September! How will he survive without me?.... Clearly it's me who's going to be the one not surviving!

Last night after the awards ceremony at his school where he got dux of geography(hope that means he won't get lost overseas) we went to the Noodle bar for some eats. One of the school brothers approached us there and made a point of telling us how much he liked and respected our son. I wonder if he knew that he was gay? I have really appreciated the kind and understanding environment that his catholic school has given him, the support they have shown as he has remained determined to be himself. One thing about my boy, NOTHING sways him from staying true to himself. I adore him for that.

So this is a big day. Will I cry at some point? Thinking of my gorgeous little boy as I trussed him up for his first day of school in January 1996. Will I get a little teary tonight as he dons his bow tie and pointy shoes and hits the dance floor at the grad ball? My baby, all grown up...

Next year he wants to study architecture at University in Brisbane. I am not sure if he will get in, it's a really popular course so the standards have to be very high. If he misses out he will probably do a BA - Geography. The thing is I think he is more suited to the geography course, I think he is too young to make such a big decision anyway but he is determined so i will let him be and let him find his own way. That's the best thing I can do for him, I think.

Meanwhile Wonder Daughter called me last night on top of the world. She just had one of her 1st year designs paraded in the Grad year fashion parade and after the show was over was approached by a Melbourne retailer wanting to stock her "range" She doesn't have one yet but she will. She has always had such fantastic responses to her work. She has chopped and changed in so many areas of her life so much over the last 3 years but the one thing that has remained contant for her is her passion for designing. It's times like these I think she will actually make a name for herself.

I shouldn't be sitting here writing anymore. Today the new kitchen is going in, or starting to go in at least. The house has been in shambles for weeks as we paint and hammer and scrub. It's due to go on the market next weekend....We are selling our home....I think?

Will we go ahead and sell? Will Super Son get into the course he wants at Uni? Will he be all right overseas for 5 weeks without me? Will I cope without him? Will Wonder Daughter and her lovely Mick Jagger lookalike boyfriend stay as happy as they have been? Will S's parents finally stop torturing him and will he start smiling again? Will I stop stuffing around renovating everything I can get my hands on and get a real job?

These and other questions in 2009...roll on new year...

Hatred

I feel so depressed today not too depressed that I can't do anything but just down with a fat wad of sadness in my belly. I know it's there because S got mad at me, he said I was horrible to him all day yesterday which I know wasn't true. I know he is gutted by the way his parents are behaving and that always makes him touchy and ultra sensitive. The thing is, it is partly because I know he is touchy and sensitive that I hold back from him a bit amd I am thinking maybe he thinks I am being nasty? The other part of it is that this thing with his parents upsets me too. It cuts and weighs on me like lead on my soul. I feel hatred for them and it makes me feel sick that I can be so filled with vitriol.
They are poison.
S says he wishes he could have nothing more to do with them, that he could just cut them out of his life and be done with it but he cannot. He still loves his father despite everything. I do not. I quite definitely hate the stupid man. I am so tired of his pathetic behaviour, toeing the line to everything that the witch says and in the process emotionally murdering his children.
It is wrong.
I know that the man is old and ill and perhaps he has lost the ability to think for himself but I have heard his tone and read his nasty words and my capacity for forgiveness and understanding has been burnt away by the acid that he spreads.
I feel sick.

Outside today it is clear and the sun lands like crystal on the shiny green growth of spring. The ocean is so blue it almost makes me catch my breath, it is stunning. This house is so beautiful and yet we talk constantly that we have to get out of here. It has been a long arduous year, the poison of his family has stunted us and choked us, stolen our smiles and crippled our hearts. I understand our need to escape but acknowledge that there are some things that are unavoidable. I doubt it would matter how far we ran, her poison is sure to seek us out and smother us again.

I will get no satisfaction posting these words, they only paint me as the bitter, angry person I am today. There is nothing to be gained from hatred.

Dear Mother-in-law

Thankyou so much for your call this morning and your rude sarcastic tone when I informed you that no, your son was not at home mis-spending his time with me but out working in the cyclonic wind and pouring rain. Your assertion that you would call him on his mobile(to check if I was telling the truth) shows again your complete understanding of his busy schedule and your naturally kind and thoughful nature. Your continued consideration of his health and happiness was again evident when you did not bother to enquire as to how he was or whether he indeed had any time to take your long and self-serving call. Your insistance that you will attend the State of Origin match with my husband's infirm father is interesting when in the very next breath you proceed to damn, detest and deride him. This is especially so when you have repeatedly stated over the years that no-one would drag you to watch such a pointless revolting game, as "My time is rather more valuable to me that that!". This decision to attend is also despite your clear knowledge of the thrill it would give my husband to go, especially given that it is his blood relative(not yours) who is likely to be honoured at this match. My husband's phonecall to me, following yours to him, was again filled with the choking pain you always leave him in. I hope you enjoyed your morning of spreading spite and poison and look forward to your continued complaints against my son for his not doing enough jobs around the house for you, kissing your putrid feet nor being the fictitional totally unrealistic son that you think you wanted him to be. Evidently, the indesputible fact that you are the mother of a truly beautiful person has escaped you yet again and any small showing of a mother's love and kindness is beyond you. I can only thank you now for the vitriol you spat at me when first, in 1988, you backed me into a corner in your hallway, stabbed me in the breast with your pointed finger and told me that I was NOT the daughter-in-law you wanted. Indeed I would likely detest myself if I WERE the type of person that somebody like you did approve of so you will understand my thankfulness in this matter is heartfelt. Coincidentally you nor are you the Mother-in-law that I hoped for! I also appreciate your advice at the time that your son was a horrible person and why anyone would want to marry such a dreadfully disagreeable, drug addled dropout was completely beyond your comprehension. It seems that despite your oft touted law degree and constant air of superior intelligence, many things are. I will also take this opportunity to thank you for your part in creating the sensitive and well adjusted man my husband is now. That you have reached this pinnacle of achievement through cruelty, selfishness and downright evil has only served to ensure that your son is the complete opposite of you. His lifelong battle to break away from everything you are, has been a constant torture and the pain and guilt he feels now in acknowledging his rejection of you, is in contrast to your complete lack of regret at past horrors or consideration for anyone other than yourself. Another aspect for which I am eternally grateful to you is the luxury that I have of blaming every one of his small and insignificant faults and every one of the equally insigificant hiccups within our marriage entirely on you. Any disagreement that we have are obviously again the result of his rebellion against you. His refusal to put the toilet seat down is your fault, as is his occasional excessive alcohol consumption and his sometimes mildly irritating passion for football. I am left in no doubt as to your culpability for any actions he has taken over the years which have been in any way cold or remote or have shown any disrespect to women. You must be so proud. Clearly I have much to be thankful for. It is a shame that you too cannot be thankful he is not like you, for if he were I can only imagine the fireworks as the two of your fought to force your will upon each other. So I will thank you again for your phonecall. I appreciate these calls, seldom and succinct as they may be, as they serve only to remind me of all that I must be truly grateful for. Your one and only... daughter-in-law, Alice. Apologies for the long and poorly structured sentences, anger doesn't like to spell-check.

Romeo & Juliet

The best memories of all were when my siblings and I were all home from boarding school and perhaps my cousin James was out on a university break. We would spend the days sitting in the sunroom reading "Reader's Digest" jokes out loud to each other or trying to fathom a mind bender that my cousin had heard at Uni. I only remember one of these well. The idea was that he would give us a few details of a scenario and ask us to work out how it came about. We would ask him questions but he could only give us yes or no answers.
This time He said;

"Romeo & Juliet were found dead on the floor. How did they die?"

It took us a few days but eventually we worked it out. If you don't know this puzzle please feel free to ask away and 'play' with me.

I adored my cousin. He was a lot like my father I think, just a younger and better looking version. He had made quite a fuss of me when I was small and would swing me around and throw me up into the air then catch me again as I squealed with delight. I distinctly remember the visit when I had become too big for this kind of treatment and my adoration of him had begun to get on his nerves. In the sun room he gently but firmly refused my access to his lap, when I knocked on his bedroom door he ignored me and at dinner my excited chatter went unheeded and as he concentrated instead on whatever my sister was saying. I was gutted.

My sister was smug about it, a look of victory on her face, the same look she used to get when we were smaller and our great uncle favoured her over me. I didn't understand why Uncle preferred her but I can't remember it bothering me overly much. I had so much love from Grandma which Cassie clearly resented, our big sister Julie would always take my side and big brother Robert chose to bully me over her(It was easier I suppose) I can understand so clearly now how she felt so overlooked in our family and how my arrival, when she was aged four, unseated her so badly. This is why it was so easy for him, our great uncle, a man in his fifties who never married, to prey so evilly on that little girl. What strikes me now is the fact that although we all grew up in the same household with the same environment, our places in the family resulted in us having such monumentally different childhoods.

James has four lovely, well adjusted daughters of his own now, our uncle was killed in a car accident in 1976 at about the time of that holiday I guess.... and then there was Romeo & Juliet....

Evil , insanity and why we should move to the other side of the world.

Dear Mother and Father-in-Law, I can truly say from the deepest part of my soul that I think the two of you are the most revolting despicable people on earth. The manner in which you have treated all five of the poor souls who have had the misfortune to call themselves your children makes me want to vomit in your faces. From your decision to abandon two of your disabled children one as a baby and the other as a toddler, to care facilities while you lied to your remaining children and for all intents and purposes pretended the other two did not exist sickens me beyond belief. Although in the past I have had great sympathy for you and have tried my best to be understanding as to the reason for your decisions, I now find, given the clear picture you are now giving of the true state of your hearts, that you do not deserve my sympathy nor my understanding. Your two sons are both wonderful people but you seem unable to see this and instead are determined to cause them as much pain and agony as you can as you constantly deride them and express your dissapointment in them for not fullfilling some completely unrealistic ideal of what your warped minds think your sons should have become. That you somehow believe, after all of this, that your sons, in any way, owe YOU respect is beyond me when you have never shown either of them one iota of respect in their entire lives. Then there's your poor adopted daughter. The poor girl must ask herself what on earth she did to have been cursed with such unbelievably evil and incapable parents. Surely the world could have found her a normal family as not only does she have to now endure the knowledge that her real mother was unable to care for her for whatever reason but also that she was supposed to be some perfect substitiute for the imperfect children that you did not want and that anything less than perfection from her would never be tolerated. You both make me sick and I truly hope I never again for all eternity have the misfortune to be in your company. The words in the letter that my husband received from you today were beyond belief. You most definitely do not deserve him as a son and your greatest fear that we might "keep the children from you" is now about to become a most definite reality. Unlike your children, my children absolutely adore their father and unlike you he respects them and he deserves their adoration. Your EVIL* daughter-in-law Alice *I feel poisoned right now, my heart feels black and hollow and it sickens me. That the actions of these people make me feel emotions that are as evil and sick as them sickens me, I have to write all this anger down because I feel that if I don't put it somewhere it will overtake me and I will do or say something that I will regret.

5 years

I just figured out that it is about 5 years since I first posted 'a' blog. I suppose anyone still reading this might be thinking.. "Yea, and it's nearly that long since you posted on this blog too!" Oh well.....It isn't that I don't think posts or that I no longer have anything to say either, it is simply that I haven't been prioritising blogging/writing in my life above so many other things as I used to. I am unsure as yet if this is a good or a bad thing. We will see I suppose. Last week we buried my uncle. I didn't know him very well. He was my father's little brother and suffered all his life from a form of autism. I went to the funeral along with 10 other of my 12 cousins from all over Australia. It was great to see them all. I am the youngest among us and it's was nice to feel like an adult amongst them but still feel younger :) As I have posted before, I never got to go to my own father's funeral, so this was for me quite like another goodbye to my father. He has actally been gone 21 years this month. That is almost half of my lifetime as I will be 43 in a few weeks. It really, REALLY doesn't seem that long. I miss him awfully. I wish most of all that he could be here to know my children. I feel as if both he and my kids got ripped off really badly in not having had the chance to know each other. Speaking of my kids, I will update you a little. WD quit her full-time manager's job and went back to uni last month. So far I think she is really loving it, though I think what she is enjoying the most is being able to come home for three nights every week as she only has lectures monday & friday. She still works every sunday so gets to spend the weekends in the city with her friends. It's working well thus far. SS is in his last year of highschool this year and is absolutely determined to do well. The whole house is constantly littered with his & WD's books and both S & I are helping them out with general support and research assistance. I am pretty sure highschool was nothing like this difficult when we went and I suspect that neither was uni. SS is thinking of studying geography or meteorology as these are his main interests but he wants to do a gap year first. He has a fair bit of money saved and wants to go to Iceland. WD wanted to go with him until she found out that the legal drinking age in Iceland is 20 so SS wouldn't be able to go out to any pubs/gigs with her. She is most interested in the music/arts scene there while SS wnts to look at the geographical features and the history & architecture. They are like chalk and cheese, the kids, but they love each other dearly so there isn't much more I could ask for. As for me, well, currently I am working on restoring our '73 Kombi. It is a slow job but will be awesome when it is done. We have basically had rain here almost every day since Christmas so without a carport or shed to work in, it has been really frustrating. No pain, no gain though I guess. S & I have also decided that as soon as SS finishes school in november we are getting the hell out of here. We are hoping to rent this place out and buy a unit down on the NSW north coast. We don't want to be any further from Brisbane than we are now as we want the kids to be able to easily come home from uni/the city whenever they want to, just like they can with us here. Rhis all means tt I am also busy tidying up this house, painting and repairing and getting rid of all our collected unecessary possessions from the past 10 years. It is now 10 years since we last rented this place out when we went to live in Scotland for 18 months. I seriously think the only way to get me to have a decent spring clean is to make me move house. I might be a little bit lazy but it is more tha I am a hoarder and find it really difficult to part with silly possessions. I hope you enjoyed the update. I have to rush off now but am determined to hit post before I do so that this post doesn't disappear into my forgotten drafts with all the others from the past few months :)

Hope

Last night I dreamt a lot. I dreamt I was lying in a field staring at the sky and telling a companion how ridiculously wonderful my life is.

It's true.

I have been through many cycles in my life. Cycles from happiness to sadness, from stupidity and desperation through to determination and downright pot luck. I guess life is just like that. If I go back and read what I have written over the years, to me it is like a diary of my moods. A diary of sadness, because it seems the only time I can actually write properly is when I am sad.

Tomorrow I am going to Stradbroke Island for a whole glorious week. I am not taking my laptop. I am taking my journal, pens, pencils, pastels and a stack of books. I hope I can break my invisible, self diagnosed writer's block of happiness and bring something worthwhile back to post for you. Hope is a lovely word.

Happy New Years Resolution!

That's it! My new year's resolution is to be happy! I wish this for anyone who still reads this blog too. Please, be happy and have a fantastic 2008! I have figured out a few things that I need to do to achieve this so I guess these are my new years resolutions: 1. Sit at the computer less. (You may have noticed that I have been doing this already. I now have a handwritten journal that S got me for Christmas. In there I am writing things occasionally and if I ever write anything even marginally reasonable I shall attempt to post it online. I also can draw in my journal which is rather difficult to do on a blog so I am really enjoying that. Actually, so far it is mainly just drawings and very little writing, but I love to draw and it makes me happy, so there you go. One resolution is already working) 2. Get a job. (I have finally come to accept that I am not motivated enough to make a good living running my own business and working by myself all the time. This failure has infact been one of the main reasons I have been feeling so discontent in recent times. Working alone is also dreadfully lonely and although I have my doubts as to whether I am even capable of getting a real job, I really have to give it a go. Please wish me luck and courage. I really need some courage.) 3. Stop giving in to everyone else's demands. (I have started learning to stand up for myself. In the past I have always been such a pacifist that I tend to just do whatever people ask of me even when I don't agree with it, simply to avoid any form of confrontation. I have come to realise that I cannot do that anymore. It simply isn't healthy and it costs too much as well, sometimes in both time and money.) 4. Walk on the beach more, eat smaller meals at night and drink less. (i.e: get fit) 5. Be a better friend. (I am not so good at being a friend. I don't have many, only a few who are extremely important. I don't really think people want to hear from me anyway so I tend to keep to myself. I'd like to have more confidence.) 6. Extend my vege garden. (Ok, that's enough sitting at the keyboard. I am off to dig in the garden....) PS. It would have been M's 48th birthday today, instead, it is about 1 month short of the 5th anniverary of his suicide. I don't dwell on thoughts of him as much anymore but he still lives on in my head and in this blog, for which after all, he was the inspiration.