Educational Angst

Sometimes I am just not sure which way I am facing. I want to turn around and look at where I have come from so I can figure out why I am here and see if I can remember where it actually was I thought I was heading.

I know that I am lucky, okay I am not financially very well off but I have a great family and I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Right now I am sitting on my bed at 8am in the morning. It is warm enough this morning that I have my bedroom door opened wide on to the deck and Ardi, my dog, is laying across the doorway, his doggy smell wafting in a little and reminding me that it is high time he had a good bath. The birds are singing frantically in the gum tree that overhangs our deck, the bright green leaves look just too beautiful against the clear blue of the morning sky. Through the silver branches of the tree I can see Emu mountian in the distance and beyond that the headlands of Noosa national park. I guess if I stood up I could probably also see, beyond Noosa, the white sand-dunes of Double Island Point. So, this isn't far from paradise, where I am right now, my feet tucked snugly under me and happy memories of this room surrounding me like a blanket of love.

I have almost recovered, this morning, from the emotional angst of the last few days after arguing with WD while she was home. I had been so very, very angry a her but this morning I woke up terrified for her and wishing so much that I had been more supportive and helpful. She is due at her class in about an hour, she would have been up for most of the night preparing her final presentation for the semester. Her piece is certainly artistic and I am praying that they will overlook the technical shortcomings and give her a pass (or better). I am actually angry at myself for not helping her more now whereas last week I was angry at myself for helping her at all.

Our arguments were mostly over her lack of commitment to uni. I have to take a long hard look at myself here. I am a parent, I want the best for my child. I can't believe that that is a bad thing? She hung up on me one day last week after I had just spent hours helping her by reading over a major assignment for her and checking her references. I suspect that I shouldn't be even helping her that much but it was the desperation in her voice and my pathetic desire to be 'needed'. Then a day or two later she hit me with the.."I am going to quit uni and become a musician". So here is where I really need to take a good look at myself and why her saying something like that is like a blow in the guts for me. I mean, shit, it's not my life, why do I care? She's a great singer, she could have fun with that?

Here's the deal though, maybe some of you remember that a few years ago I desperately wanted to go to uni. I started putting my application together before S shot me down in flames suggesting that I might find it a but too tough and we couldn't afford it anyway. I am not the most confident bunny so I figured money would be best spent on my kids education anyway, not silly old me..... So yea, there it is in a nutshell, I am jealous.

It's pretty pathetic to be jealous of your child isn't it? Is it a common thing though? I mean I just wanted her to have all the things that I didn't have and I have pushed her a bit, some would even think that I haven't pushed her enough. I am pretty lenient and understanding but right now, if she does throw it all away so soon I won't deny I am going to be devestated. I am just off the phone to her tonight (You'll be relieved to now I am no longer sitting on the bed, I did get up and actually had a lovely day). She told me that she will fail her exam on saturday and that she refuses to study for it. That really pisses me off. She could just be saying that to annoy me too, who knows?

I guess I can see that I am heading in all the wrong directions here, that in trying to be a good parent I just wind up being a crap one and in trying to be selfless I may have just wasted a whole heap of energy for nothing and probably would have just been better off doing what I wanted to do for me. Meh.