Hatred

I feel so depressed today not too depressed that I can't do anything but just down with a fat wad of sadness in my belly. I know it's there because S got mad at me, he said I was horrible to him all day yesterday which I know wasn't true. I know he is gutted by the way his parents are behaving and that always makes him touchy and ultra sensitive. The thing is, it is partly because I know he is touchy and sensitive that I hold back from him a bit amd I am thinking maybe he thinks I am being nasty? The other part of it is that this thing with his parents upsets me too. It cuts and weighs on me like lead on my soul. I feel hatred for them and it makes me feel sick that I can be so filled with vitriol.
They are poison.
S says he wishes he could have nothing more to do with them, that he could just cut them out of his life and be done with it but he cannot. He still loves his father despite everything. I do not. I quite definitely hate the stupid man. I am so tired of his pathetic behaviour, toeing the line to everything that the witch says and in the process emotionally murdering his children.
It is wrong.
I know that the man is old and ill and perhaps he has lost the ability to think for himself but I have heard his tone and read his nasty words and my capacity for forgiveness and understanding has been burnt away by the acid that he spreads.
I feel sick.

Outside today it is clear and the sun lands like crystal on the shiny green growth of spring. The ocean is so blue it almost makes me catch my breath, it is stunning. This house is so beautiful and yet we talk constantly that we have to get out of here. It has been a long arduous year, the poison of his family has stunted us and choked us, stolen our smiles and crippled our hearts. I understand our need to escape but acknowledge that there are some things that are unavoidable. I doubt it would matter how far we ran, her poison is sure to seek us out and smother us again.

I will get no satisfaction posting these words, they only paint me as the bitter, angry person I am today. There is nothing to be gained from hatred.