M-I-L

Lunch - There seems no point to the stress and tension, the careful sidestepping and tactful conversation.
I try to sit back and look upon this scene from the outside, as it plays out again like a broken record. The same false niceties and snide remarks, age providing a respect that may not be wholly deserved. I consider the release and relief I would feel if I could remove my children from this damaging environment, but perhaps the control and self belief required to withstand this charade is teaching them something they will need in life. I bite my tongue.
She can say whatever she likes to me, it does not touch me, but if she speaks to my son in that tone one more time....

Brisbane - The city flies past my window and I promise myself I will come down again soon and visit the friends I haven't seen for ages and walk the streets I never have time to walk. Sometimes I think I want to live here again. I love my town, I love my beach, but here are things that I love too. Live theatre and live music and a little bit of style. I have only been to see a live band once in the last six months. Perhaps I am greedy for life, do I think for some reason that I should be able to have it all? I look at my children, the truth is, I want them to have it all.

Promise

There is a tinkle at the tops of the trees outside, the birds sound pleased that spring is not too far away. The air today is so bright and clean, I want to start fresh and place the grimy shut-inside feeling of winter behind me. Throw out all that sad collection of trash and spent emotion from the past few months and put some flower buds in a jar on the table. They are filled with promise.

Dreamstate

The light tap on my door merges with my dream and I know I have to leave my dream behind and wake myself up, I pull myself out of it, it is like dragging myself out of a pool of molasses, a sweet laziness which is warm to lie in but uncomfortable to leave.

My sister has made me a cup of coffee. I want to be awake to speak with her before she leaves, but my brain is slow, still drenched with the heaviness of my dream.
I listen instead, trying to make the right responses but my mind is still in the dream.
My daughter was there, she said she was having a party because she is going away. She didn't invite me, and I am sad because she is leaving. I want to get to the party so that I can see her, but it is too far away and now my sister wants me to drink coffee with her and I am going to miss the party. It will be over before I get there, so I sit there sipping and I make the right responses.

Dream

The light tap on my door merges with my dream and I know I have to leave my dream behind and wake myself up, I pull myself out of it, it is like dragging myself out of a pool of molasses, a sweet laziness which is warm to lie in but uncomfortable to leave. My sister has made me a cup of coffee. I want to be awake to speak with her before she leaves, but my brain is slow, still drenched with the heaviness of my dream. I listen instead, trying to make the right responses but my mind is still in the dream. My daughter was there, she said she was having a party because she is going away. She didn't invite me, and I am sad because she is leaving. I want to get to the party so that I can see her, but it is too far away and now my sister wants me to drink coffee with her and I am going to miss the party. It will be over before I get there, so I sit there sipping and I make the right responses.

Another World

She is in another world, my daughter, she looks at me with hatred and I can see no compassion in her eyes. She says she wishes I were dead. I try to smile and move through the day being warm to everybody, when inside I am crumpled and dying. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I was doing the right thing being angry at her for breaking the law, but it does not feel right at all. Outside it is like any other day, the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but inside it feels like the world is ending.

Byron cafe puppy

We sat in the sun this morning with my son's excited chatter and we drank good coffee and ate bagels and jam and listened to the jangle of people being happy & sad and chatty & quiet and interesting & boring. The waiter had shaved his head but as he stood looking down at us to take our order, the sun at his back formed a halo around him and an abundance of long hairs growing out of his ears made him look cute, like a puppy. My husband said he looked like a nice person, he had smiling eyes, the perfect eyes for a restauranteur

Apron strings

A few weeks ago I wondered how many miles it was to the snow, as I sat here shivering and smelling it on the breeze. My daughter will have arrived there now, after 1600 miles on the bus. She has never been this far away from me before, I feel the stretch of the apron strings like an uncomfortable muscle strain. I sleep fitfully worrying about her and the worst scenarios play out in my dreams. I want to laugh at myself for my silly fretting but I realise I have to let her go, it will be more comfortable for both of us.

Dead

She is in another world, my daughter, she looks at me with hatred and I can see no compassion in her eyes. She says she wishes I were dead. I try to smile and move through the day being warm to everybody, when inside I am crumpled and dying. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I was doing the right thing being angry at her for breaking the law, but it does not feel right at all. Outside it is like any other day, the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but inside it feels like the world is ending.