I don’t think a week has ever gone by in my life since I met you that I have not thought about you. I am pretty certain that this feeling was not mutual, that when you washed your hands of me you were able to do just that. I don’t think I had the effect on your life that you had on mine, and if I did have a negative effect, if you can look back and say it was my fault and if I truly do deserve the blame somewhere along there well then I am truly sorry.
I am sure I was selfish in my own way, but the fact remains that I did truly try and make it work with you. I failed, and I failed loudly and miserably and I think maybe I never got over that failure.
I put you behind me the best that I could and I tried to be a better person that I was before I met you. I know I really stuffed this up too. When I think now to the things that I did after we split up I am horrified. I am sick of being hard on myself though and although in the past I have blamed you for all of that, in the end I can just be kind to myself and say, well those were the things that I needed to do to be able to move on and get over the things that I had done to myself, and what you had done to me.
Inside me now I feel a loss like I never imagined I would feel. I have been trying to analyse that and understand why I feel so strongly. I am looking first at the time frame and realising that the time I knew you was a very important time in my life. That even though for the past 18 years I have been ashamed of staying with you for as long as I did, now I see something else. I suddenly remember the person I was then, it is like I had put this person in a box and now I have opened it again. Here she is inside me, screaming in the pain of loss, clearly remembering the little things about you that she loved.
I don’t know if it is her or me that so wanted to see you again, so now I am crying because I didn’t and now I can’t. I wanted to feel that you didn’t hate me, so now I don’t know if I am crying for my selfish need to clear things up with you or because you were so sad and I don’t think anybody should ever have to feel that sad.
I remember you needing me, or making me feel you really needed me, maybe now I can look back and say that that wasn’t a healthy way to have a relationship, but we were so young, and nobody had ever made me feel so important before. B can say what he likes about what I should have done and he should have done and all of that, but in the end he didn’t need me like you did, and I really needed to be needed.
So I think how ridiculous it seems that I am crying for someone I haven’t seen for nearly 20 years, but I guess I am really crying for the boy I knew. For the hopes and dreams, for that future, for your fire and determination and your loyalty to your friends. You should never have been so hard on yourself. I feel I should type a goodbye to you here, but I don’t feel ready yet. I cannot accept I will never see you again
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