Sunday, June 24, 2007

Life is a carnival isn't it?

I want to type, "I have a new husband", I mean you would swear that I do.

We met one morning in the kitchen right next to the breakfast bar and with the fruitbowl at our elbows. If I tell you there was a 'moment' then that wouldn't really explain a thing. Couples who have been together for 20 years don't have 'moments' do they? No, we have huge unfathomable crisis. We lurch from emotion to emotion with the swoops of a rollercoaster. We don't slow at all at the rise and the fall, but at the absolute lowest point and right there at the very top, we just stop....

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tangled webs

Emotion eats at the flesh of my lungs. I can't breathe because breathing means I am alive and it seems I am not so sure about that anymore.

If you had to open it, that pandora's box of twenty years of things that no-one ever said, would you do it? Would you at least take a peek to see if everything was in there still or would you just fling it open on the floor in front of him for careful mutual inspection?

I did neither, or we did both, I can't see through the tangled webs right now to tell you either or neither or nothing at all. Does it matter either way? It isn't always the road that you take, it isn't always the journey, sometimes, just sometimes, it IS the destination. Sometimes you just have to get there any way you can.

I think we are swimming. Sometimes, tired, he reaches to me to hold him up and other times it's me floundering and calling for his help. Through fog we glimpse the other side we take heart and with new vigour we strive against the current and then it's gone again. I wonder about going back to where we were but that shoreline seems to be long gone, flooded perhaps or just swamped by waves from all that frantic kicking?

What am I saying? My marriage is like the Mississippi in flood, or something mutually magnanimous...?