Sunday, August 31, 2003

M-I-L

Lunch - There seems no point to the stress and tension, the careful sidestepping and tactful conversation.
I try to sit back and look upon this scene from the outside, as it plays out again like a broken record. The same false niceties and snide remarks, age providing a respect that may not be wholly deserved. I consider the release and relief I would feel if I could remove my children from this damaging environment, but perhaps the control and self belief required to withstand this charade is teaching them something they will need in life. I bite my tongue.
She can say whatever she likes to me, it does not touch me, but if she speaks to my son in that tone one more time....

Brisbane - The city flies past my window and I promise myself I will come down again soon and visit the friends I haven't seen for ages and walk the streets I never have time to walk. Sometimes I think I want to live here again. I love my town, I love my beach, but here are things that I love too. Live theatre and live music and a little bit of style. I have only been to see a live band once in the last six months. Perhaps I am greedy for life, do I think for some reason that I should be able to have it all? I look at my children, the truth is, I want them to have it all.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Promise

There is a tinkle at the tops of the trees outside, the birds sound pleased that spring is not too far away. The air today is so bright and clean, I want to start fresh and place the grimy shut-inside feeling of winter behind me. Throw out all that sad collection of trash and spent emotion from the past few months and put some flower buds in a jar on the table. They are filled with promise.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Dreamstate

The light tap on my door merges with my dream and I know I have to leave my dream behind and wake myself up, I pull myself out of it, it is like dragging myself out of a pool of molasses, a sweet laziness which is warm to lie in but uncomfortable to leave.

My sister has made me a cup of coffee. I want to be awake to speak with her before she leaves, but my brain is slow, still drenched with the heaviness of my dream.
I listen instead, trying to make the right responses but my mind is still in the dream.
My daughter was there, she said she was having a party because she is going away. She didn't invite me, and I am sad because she is leaving. I want to get to the party so that I can see her, but it is too far away and now my sister wants me to drink coffee with her and I am going to miss the party. It will be over before I get there, so I sit there sipping and I make the right responses.