Always a blogger?
It's been such a long time and yet I still blog in my head all the time. I have had no other choice really as time itself has not allowed me a chance to type anything anyway. It's been the longest, hottest summer I ever remember and it looks like we are in for another hot one today. S hates the heat and earlier in the summer when work was ridiculously busy I was worried the heat was almost killing him. He has started hating his work and it seems to me that we have come to a crossroads.
Yesterday I had my first day home alone as an empty nester. Super Son will have his first Uni lecture tonight and has now been officially living out of home for over a week. Wonder Daughter also starts back at Uni today, she came and spent the last week at home to recharge and argue with me. I can see that when she is unhappy with herself she takes it out on me but it's still hard to deal with and I wish things would not be like that between us.
S and I therefore have a new life ahead of us. We can now FINALLY have a nookie whenever we damn well want to :) I think it's hilarious that that is the first thing I think of and the most important part of life without the kids living at home. I am really glad we had our kids early, we can now enjoy our lives together, more I think, than young couples do as we have the experience and understanding of each other that really does take years to establish. Okay enough of that...
We can now also decide whether we want to stay living here or take this opportunity, while we are still young* enough, to move away and start a new or the second part of our lives.
To be honest, I don't want to be too far from my kids. I miss them so much as it is, so wherever we go or whatever we do, I don't want it to be too far from them. This is a bit of a shame as S had this grand idea that we would sell up and go overseas travelling and working in volunteer organisations. It's a noble thought but it looks to me like you need to be incredibly rich to be able to do that sort of thing. The organisations I have found online that manage volunteers, charge the said volunteers an arm and a leg for the priviledge of giving their time and efforts for free. I think there is something seriously wrong there, but anyway, perhaps if I keep searching I will find something we can do.
S surprised me the other day when he expressed his sense of loss at SS moving out of home. I think he surprised himself even. He has seemed so relaxed and blase about our family changing forever like this. I really didn't know how I felt. I have allowed myself to be excited and apprehensive about the whole new life for my baby boy. I think in a way I have been lucky in that when SS went overseas for 5 weeks in December the break was already made. I can find no words to explain how hard it was to tell him to hurry off down the stairs at the airport that night or he would miss his plane. He faltered, he looked sad and teary and terrified. I just wanted to grab him and hold him and never, never let him go but I had to tell him to go nowNOW and he looked at me with his black eyes brimming and waved forlornly and then, he was gone... We waited on the platform above for ages it seemed for him to get through security, when finally he emerged he had recovered and smiled and waved happily and he headed off for his 14 hour flight, the first leg on his way to Germany. We watched the plane as we drove across Brisbane later. The sky was mostly clear so we watched it as we drove until it disappeared into a fading speck in the northwest. I felt that distance as the plane drew away like a cord tearing out my heart. It was impossible not to cry.
Yesterday, sitting here, catching up on a whole summer's worth of bookwork, I let myself cry again. My babies have grown up and they have gone and I feel old and stupid and useless. I have no career to fall back on, I have no great achievments to feel proud of. But I have them....do they need me anymore? WD rang three times yesterday I think, SS rang once. I feel I would have died inside if they hadn't.
This post is going nowhere, a mish mash of thoughts about nothing and about everything. I better go shower as I have a breakfast date with my husband in about 40 minutes. He starts early on a tuesday so we try and meet for breakfast. Not a bad life this childless one :)
*43 and 44 isn't so young is it? :/
Labels: family, life, S, Super Son, wonder daughter
